My husband’s wise grandmother once told me that parenting never ends.
At the time, I found the comment confusing. As a parent of young children whose lives consisted of long, exhausting days, I didn’t really understand how to parent an adult. And I thought about what his comment meant as I looked toward the future and my children’s gradual independence.
Twenty years later (time is so surreal in the context of parenting) and here I am, with my husband, parenting a teenager and two young adult children. Lately I’ve been feeling a whirlwind of emotions because of their experiences.
You see, in their young adult life, everything is new to them.
This young adult life is new for them. And for me.
Twenty-two years ago, I arrived at the hospital pregnant with my first child, feeling a little overwhelmed by the day I had waited so long for. A whirlwind of excitement mixed with fear swirled within me. I had never been to this place before. Everything we encountered from this point on would be new to both of us.
Just like when they first appeared in the world, we are learning to navigate this territory together.
Even though we’ve been young adults before, we’ve never been parents before. This requires open communication and incorporating the wisdom of those who have experienced it, as well as helping families navigate this time of life.
Here are five virtues that parents can offer their adult children.
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1. Empathy
They say age is just a number, but turning 18 comes with many life-changing implications.
Legally, you are responsible for your decisions. However, no magic trick instantly gives you the life experiences and skills to navigate them with confidence.
Learning how to manage a budget, live independently, navigate a new school or work environment, take ownership of your faith, and discern career paths can seem overwhelming. Jacob Goldsmith Ph.D.. says, “Although the transition to adulthood is ultimately a step toward independence, emerging adults can benefit from maintaining deep connections with their families. Parents can be a knowledgeable and empathetic source of feedback.”
It is helpful to remember that the human brain is also in transition and does not complete its development until around age 25.In the adolescent brainthe connections between the emotional part of the brain and the decision-making center are still developing – and not always at the same pace. This is why when adolescents experience overwhelming emotional input, they cannot explain later what they were thinking. They weren’t thinking as much as they were feeling.
Recognizing this truth can reduce the temptation to react in frustration when your child makes a decision that seems foolish or has serious consequences. Walking with them and helping them learn from their mistakes ensures that you both recognize this season of growth.
Empathy also gives you the tools to better understand your child’s fears. They’re probably the same ones you were at their age! This understanding is crucial to remaining a safe place for your child as they navigate new and scary waters.
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2. Empowerment
As parents, it’s tempting to prevent our adult children from accumulating the skills needed to overcome their mistakes. Responding to our children’s frightening cries without rescuing them is difficult.
We have learned to care for them and offer them our calming presence since they were babies. But now we need to change the way this is done. “The ups and downs are the very definition of the emergent stage and with them will shape the resilient and self-sufficient people they will become. And beyond the many accidents, there are the projects that work, the lasting relationships that are worth the wait and the confidence that comes from standing on your own two feet..” » writes Jeffrey Jensen Arnett and Elizabeth Fischel in their book Reaching 30: A Parent’s Guide for 20-Year-Olds.
Last year, one of my children reached a point of discouragement and confusion. The choices one faces as a young adult can seem overwhelming. Am I studying the right field? Is living on campus worth the extra money? How to meet new friends?
Plus, balancing work and school and juggling new responsibilities is exhausting. Several times we spoke on the phone in tears, wondering if the right decisions had been made. And the idea of making drastic changes without prayer or discernment entered the conversation.
I wanted to fix the situation but I knew the only person who could do it was my child. I remembered my own anguish as a young adult and recognized that those difficult times helped develop the confidence and skills needed to navigate life.
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3. Encouragement
Several years ago I hesitantly decided to try a high ropes course element at our church camp. As I first measured the height of the track above the ground, this did not cause fear.
However, once I climbed to the first level and looked down, my perspective changed. Crossing the beam seemed terrifying. The irony was that I was attached to a rope above me so that even if I lost my balance, I wouldn’t fall. But the uncertainty made the process of putting one foot in front of the other scary.
At any time, I could have asked to be taken back safely to the landing stage. I admit that on a few occasions I have verbalized this desire. The landscape scared me.
But thanks to the encouraging voices of the trained facilitators, I continued to move forward. I have gained the confidence to use it when faced with other situations in life that seem intimidating.
Our children need encouragement to keep moving forward when fear of new experiences threatens them. But experts say there’s a line between supporting young adults and stifling their growth. Ms. Lythcott-Haims Compares it to teaching kids to drive: the parent starts in the driver’s seat, but the goal is to end up in the back seat. “You can’t just bring them the future you want for them,” she said. “They have to do the work to develop the skills.”
But the fact that you celebrate small victories along the way will help them build that future themselves. When they pay their rent on their own for the first time, or get their oil changed without being reminded, or create new healthy habits for themselves, let them know how proud you are of them!
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4. Shelter
My husband’s grandparents’ house served as a refuge for many members of our family. During various life transitions, family members found refuge and security by living there on a short-term basis. Adult children and grandchildren as well as a few family friends were offered hospitality in times of crisis.
Her grandparents recognized that they couldn’t solve problems, but they could alleviate stress and provide a restorative sanctuary.
The refuge can extend outside of a physical location. This may look like short-term financial help. Besides offering real money, this may mean paying certain bills such as healthcare expenses or car insurance until the individual achieves financial stability.
Perhaps offering your home can include full-time residence or for an agreed upon short period. Other deals may include meals, use of laundry appliances and additional vehicles. Communicating clearly about expectations is essential. This way, both parties agree and the best shelter environment is cultivated.
Joanna Moorehead reflects on his own journey as a student of young adults: “But whether things go well or badly, we remain, and always should be, the refuge, the last resort, the taken for granted, the ultimate support. I still remember how reassuring it was to know, during my exciting, terrifying, boring 20s, that if this project or relationship crashed and burned, there was always a place for me. A door I could knock on by day as at night a friendly face, someone ready to put the kettle on, share a meal, show friendly interest or, yes, offer that crucial reassuring hug.
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5. Mercy
Navigating new territory leaves us all vulnerable to knee-jerk reactions.
As relationships between parents and children change, so do identities and rhythms. When we feel lost and confused, we are tempted to take our frustrations out on others. Especially the ones we love the most.
Adult children need their parents to be aware of the challenges they face. This is not to say that parents become a doormat for unbridled anger.
What we can offer is to implement the compassion and mercy that God extends to all of us. Here are some texts to keep in our hearts:
- “Above all, continue to love one another sincerely, for love covers a multitude of sins. » 1 Peter 4:8
- “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you. » Ephesians 4:32
- “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never end; they are renewed every morning; great is your loyalty. » Lamentations 3:22-23
Parenting young adults requires a delicate dance.
On the one hand, they joined us in a development phase. On the other hand, it’s just that: growing. We both find ourselves reflecting on our own journeys as young adults while trying to offer them the blessings of parenthood.
Jim Burns, author of Doing life with your adult childrenoffers this reminder: “We have the opportunity to live and parent with or without God’s help. Since He is the author and creator of life, I choose to trust Him by keeping Him and His principles close to me. I hope you will make this same choice.”
How is your relationship with your adult children? Join the conversation on Pedestrian crossing forums!
Stephanie Thompson is an ordained minister, speaker, writer, and mental health advocate. His writings can be found on various sites around the web. She lives in the suburbs of Chicago with her husband and three children. You can learn more about her at www.stephaniejthompson .com and follow her on Facebook.
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Originally published on Tuesday, December 26, 2023.