Intentional Relationship Mindset Shift: You, Me, and Us

"In probably the most reliable divorce survey ever, by Lynn Gigy, Ph.D., and Joan Kelly, Ph.D., of the Divorce Meditation Project in Corte Madera, Calif., 80% of divorced men and women said their marriages broke down because they gradually grew apart and lost a sense of closeness, or because they felt unloved and unappreciated.– Dr. John Gottman [1 ]

At the beginning of a romantic relationship, there is an undeniable excitement to spend time together. We eagerly plan, ask questions, and embark on adventures. Curiosity about our partner and the fluttering of butterflies in our stomachs are all driven by the release of dopamine, a hormone that floods our brains when something new and novel captures our attention. This dopamine surge creates attraction and keeps us hooked. It is addictive in nature.

However, over time, the initial buzz subsides and our hormone levels return to normal. We settle into routines and become intertwined with everyone's daily lives. Unfortunately, this familiarity often leads us to take the relationship for granted and unintentionally neglect it.

In practical terms, this shift in focus is understandable. Life happens and our priorities begin to shift to more pressing matters such as parenting, careers, and finances. For example, studies have shown that 67% of new parents experience a decline in relationship satisfaction during the first three years of their child's life.[2] As our attention is taken up with other aspects of life, the gap between partners widens and emotional disconnection increases.

The good news is that if we actively choose to nurture our relationship by putting time, energy, and effort into it, our brains can produce more oxytocin, the “love hormone.” Oxytocin plays a crucial role in bonding and promoting affection between partners. When we engage in behaviors that promote connection and intimacy, such as physical touch and emotional support, our brain releases more oxytocin.

However, a significant challenge in creating this oxytocin-based connection is how we perceive the relationship itself. Often we think of a monogamous relationship as a dyadic entity - just "you" and "me".

In reality, there is a third entity that demands attention: "we".

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