‘Apologies for any confusion!’: how to write the perfect passive-aggressive email

In a survey, ‘just to be clear’ came out as the most loathed phrase. But I think I can do better

A new contender for the most passive-aggressive email phrase has emerged. “Just to be clear” was chosen by 52% of desk jockeys in a survey by email verification company ZeroBounce, closely followed by the perennial pass-ag fave, “per my last email” (40%), which tied with the identical-in-intent “as previously discussed”. Further down the list came “for future reference” and “kindly note”.

If you ask me, these all verge on actual aggressive. Imagine saying “just to be clear” out loud to another person: that’s a conversational poke in the ribs, isn’t it? It’s the kind of thing you unleash 10 minutes into an ill-tempered wrangle with your home insurance company about inflated renewal premiums. “Kindly note” is even worse – it’s a phrase from an angry message on the office kitchen wall about microwave abuse.

No, we can do better than that, or at least I – a person whose own spouse frequently describes her as unpleasantly passive-aggressive – can. Let me explain: an exchange of professional passive-aggressive emails is a ritual as intricately coded as a Belle Epoque duel and it demands the appearance of great politeness. Your message needs to read, on its surface, as exquisitely helpful and friendly, while leaving every cc and bcc on the thread in no doubt as to it what it really is: an epistolary shanking.

A good pass-agg email starts with a simulacrum of warmth and gratitude. I can usually generate the appearance of warmth by harnessing the dizzying rush of anger generated by whatever stupid message has prompted me to press “reply all”. “Hi X!” I usually start perkily, then I pause to hold up both middle fingers to the screen. Next comes gratitude: “Great to hear from you,” (it wasn’t) “and thank you so much for your message”. Thanks, that is, for giving me a chance to show everyone you’re out of line. I say “everyone”, because I like to deploy a cc on this kind of email.

I follow this Trojan Shetland pony of an intro with a selection of my preferred zingers:

“My understanding was … apologies if this was incorrect?”

I understood perfectly. I am correct. I am sorry for nothing. The question mark is a mere disingenuous flourish.

The import of this little phrase is clear: I have kept the receipts and I want you to know that. This email will be followed near-instantaneously by a second email, forwarding the evidence that I am right. The body of that second email will just read “FYI”, which is passive-aggressive for “checkmate, loser”.

“Apologies for any confusion” or “apologies if this was unclear”

It, and I, was entirely clear. I am only sorry you are a dolt. Some pass-ag practitioners drop in a bland, smiling emoji here, but I am a purist.

I hope this leaves you seething with the same fury your message inspired in me.

By saying I don’t expect you to respond it will make you look petty when you do; it also subtly implies you’ve already gone home. Your move.

Still, as much as I get satisfaction from the perfect turn of passive-aggressive phrase, I always realise later that it’s a hollow pleasure. What am I doing fighting, albeit with elegant restraint, a fellow worker when the real enemy is capitalism? Why are we emailing at all when we could be contemplating the beauty of a sunset, shoulder to shoulder? For future reference: I think we’d all be happier taking a deep breath, pressing backspace, and walking away.