You be the judge: should my wife keep out of our neighbours’ disputes?

Rosie has become co-chair of their apartment block committee, but Marcus thinks she should take a back seat. Whose argument falls flat? You decide

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Rosie wants us to be ‘good gentrifiers’, but is getting involved in feuds that go way back

We moved to Portugal a couple of years ago, and now live in an apartment block in a small city. Since moving here my wife, Rosie, has become too involved with our neighbours. I would like her to dial it back.

In a building like ours, it’s normal to have monthly condominium meetings to discuss communal funds and who owes what. At first I liked the concept as it’s more socialist and everyone knows where their monthly contributions are going.

Despite speaking very little Portuguese, Rosie volunteered to be co-chair of our condominium. She said it would ingratiate us with the neighbours. I was all for it until I realised how much work it involved. Rosie is becoming involved in feuds that go way back. There are missing funds and arguments about fixing the broken roof.

We both attend the monthly meetings, but Rosie has additional work with the other co-chair, who has lived here since childhood and has opinions about all the neighbours. Rosie comes back with gossip about people and says we should behave differently around them for whatever reason, but I don’t want to know. We’re the only Brits in the building, and I’d like us to remain neutral.

Because there’s a lot of discussion about foreign investment here, and we bought the flat, rather than renting it, I think Rosie feels guilty. She says, “We need to get involved.” But I think she really means, “We need to look like the good gentrifiers.”

She wants me to attend marches and get involved with the building, whereas I just want to get to know Portuguese culture in a less political way. I don’t think that makes me a bad guy. In the UK, it wasn’t normal for us to be so involved in our neighbours’ lives. Here, they have socials and drinks together, which I find strange. I’d like Rosie to take a back seat on the condominium stuff. I don’t want the building to become our social life and for her to get more stressed over it.

I know people don’t like rich foreigners moving abroad, so I want to mitigate my impact

I love that we moved from the UK to Portugal, but I worry about the impact it has on the city we’re in. I don’t like the notion that we have taken up too much space or that people don’t want us here because we’re foreign. None of our neighbours have made us feel that way, but I bet people think it.

Rich foreigners moving abroad always contribute to gentrification, simply because we have greater spending power. I believe in open borders, but in order to mitigate my impact I like to get involved in political issues here. I go to housing marches because I believe that the government should do more to build affordable homes. I’m learning the language. I also volunteered to help with the condominium as I thought it would be good for Marcus and me.

I work remotely in advertising, and I’m very organised. I enjoy planning things, while Marcus is more laid-back. I want to know how our building works, but unfortunately that involves a lot of admin and records haven’t been kept well. There are also longstanding disputes between some of the neighbours.

I have to be really careful not to take sides or become too involved, but when I hear things like, “So and so owes the building €1,000, dating back decades,” it’s hard to remain impartial. When I tell Marcus, he says, “Don’t get involved,” because he just wants to say hello to everyone in the morning, whereas I take a hardline stance.

I think it’s good to know who is tricky and who is friendly, instead of just being civil and keeping everything surface level. Marcus wants to avoid developing strong opinions or deep friendships, but that’s not how I work. I’d like to improve life in our building and also know who to be wary of. We’re in our 30s, and I’ve noticed so many guys at this age just start to take a backseat and leave the difficult social tasks up to the women. I’m not going to retire from being co-chair of the condominium; I’ve only just taken on the role.

Marcus is right: as newcomers, especially foreigners, they should avoid taking a prominent role in building disputes. Rosie should step down as co-chair, ignore gossip and stay neutral. They can be warm neighbours (bake muffins, share drinks and say hello) while keeping condominium politics at arm’s length. Lizelle, 50

Moving abroad means accepting that integration isn’t optional, and building life in Portugal is communal by design. Rosie is showing respect by turning up, learning the language and shouldering responsibility. Marcus is right to want boundaries, but staying politely distant isn’t neutral; it leaves others all the work. Xavier, 30

There’s nothing wrong with being a friendly presence in the condominium, but Rosie’s capacity for organisation and planning needs to be kept out of this context. She could offend her neighbours. Mary, 80

It’s a noble ambition to take on the responsibility, and every apartment block needs a Rosie keeping it in check, but there’s a fine line between being organised and being a busybody. Her guilt about a decision she’s already made seems to be pushing her into overdrive, and it sounds exhausting. Gloria, 29

Marcus is wrong to expect Rosie to give up being co-chair, it is good to get involved in the local community and the politics of the country you live in. Rosie should step back and be more impartial though. As co-chair, there is a responsibility to remain neutral to resolve disputes. Pauline, 62

In our online poll, tell us: should Rosie flat out refuse to get involved?

The poll closes on Wednesday 11 November at 9am GMT

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