‘I, The TrUssTER, will NeveR die’ – Liz Truss’s Bank Job, digested by John Crace

She’s back with another book – and it’s a lot like the last one. Our sketchwriter spares you the 100 pages

HI!!! It’S mE Liz. THe TrUssTER. GueSS wHat? I’vE oNLy GOnE aND RiTTen anOTHer BoOK. IT’s called The NUT JOB. IMaGIne!!!. And iT’S DefiNATly tHE mosT ImPORtanT BoOk iN ThE EntIRe uniVErSE. ThE Wun NOWun wanTs yOU to Reed. PartLY BecOz ItS ThE SaME aS tHe laST WuNN. BuT MAInly BECoz tHE BLOBB iZ tryINg tO SileNCe mE.

FaKt ONE. I tried to get CHATgpT to RigHT this for me. But it replied that while AI was a useful tool for WriTTing all kinDs of ConsPIRacy theories, even it had standards. Not Even IT coulD CoME up wiV SomeThinG ThiS BaD.

FAkT To: My UsuaL pUBLisher wooDNT tOUCH this with a bARGEpolE. BiteBack said: “I No we Have aTRAck recoRD of PuBLIshing Any OlD RuBBish by RighTWinG HASbeeNs iN ExchaNGE FouR a DeriSORy advaNCE. But on thiS OccaSIon Even wE HaD to saY NO. SoZ.”

FeAR NoT!! I Have FouND A PublISHer. I will PreVail. SalES wiLL rockit intO at Least duBBle FigUres.

-- Come on now, Liz, it’s time for your afternoon rest.

So HeAR is hOW This boOOk is goIng to work. I will StART with CHaptER wUN. In ThIs I WiLL set out How it was an AFFFront to DemOCRacy that Somewun as DEraNGed as ME could Be PuT in DowNINg street by EquAALLy quarTER-WiTTed members of tHe toRY party. I mean, it wUz an AffrONt to DemocracY that I was reMOVed as PrimE MinSter. Then I shall Go Straight to Chapter Free. BecAUse that will fOOLe the BloBBB that was exPECting Chapter toO. No Flies on the TrUssTER!!. After that THInGs wiLL Get increASIngly deluded until I geT to the eNd. That is my bOOk. The BooK that is Mine. The bOoK That be-lONGs two mE.

It wUz an AffRunT to DemoCracy. The Very day beFOUr my Mini-BuDget, the Bank of EngLAnd, though I like to say the E in EngerLUnd standS for EstABlishment, chose to sELL off £80bN of gILts in an Act of unPRECedented QuantitATive TiGHTening. And I stILL ChOSE to make £45Bn of UnFunDed TaxCUTS the Verry neXT day. A DeliberatE Attempt by guvnOR Andrew BaILEy to desTabilise me. The OnLY LiabilITY DrIVEn InveSTment was BailEY BAILEYING out The BlobBB.

Within DaYS Kwasi KWarTENg had been SacKed. I’ll Never forgive The Person who HumiliatTED Him bY Firing him ON His way back from The airPORT. When the country disCUVVErs who was primE miniSTER at the time, They will NeVER forgIVE her. And I can’t forgIVE anDREW baILey. I had ToLD him I wuz plaNNing to crasH the EconOMY and he done NUffING to stop me. That’s because the SupINE British prESs were part of the Fake narrATive. I Should HAVe KillED BaiLEY Like I killED the quEEN. Only PhiLIP PILKington in the ‘Journal of FisCAl FanTAsy’ UNDerStOoD me.

The coUNTry had been in MANaged decliNe since, since, um, a very long time. The UK had been under a sOCIAlist dictatorSHIP. But when I became prime miNISter I knew I had to stop this MaRXist mentality. Even if it meant fraCKIng in areAS that were prone to eARTHquakes and where there WASS no shale GAs and getting BLAck and DeckER to start dRILLLing for oil in the North Sea. It was time to FoRGEt the leftWiNg ecNOmiX of Milton Keynes and ignAW the nay-sayers of cliM8 change. Net Zero was JUst something dreamed up by Mr BloBBIes who WAnTED the wORld to last a bit LonGEr. Well I wasn’t hAVIng that.

Who are the GUIlty parties? We have to point the fINGer very firmly at the TrEASRy – guess who was once ChIEF secreTARY to the Treasury: Yours TRUly. WhOOOPs -- and The OfFice for BudgIE ResPONSibility. They were all reCRuited from North Korea. What we should have dUN is ditched the poUND on the GRoUNds the Treasury was FREEbasing it with quANTitatIVe easing and all switched over to BitCoIN, What could POssibLy have gone RoNg?

-- Liz, I’ve told you once. You need some sleep.

-- A doctor, please. Urgently. She needs a sedative.

I would have also sTARtEd up my own THInktanK, The Institute of Economic Delusion. That’s one IED that WOOd have blown the BLoBBBBB skY Hi. Economic foRECasting has become an unfuNNy joke being played on the British public who are all GETTing more and more SKINt as a result. Like BEIng told that global wars and enERGy prices have an eFfect on inflation. Had it been left to me, eVERYone would have been frEe to giVe their own 5ive year ecoGNOMIC forecasts to their bank maNGers and inTEREst rates would haVE been DECided by a reFErendUM.

Have I menTIONed that I was prime MINister, once? That it was the bank of England and other MaRXIsts who undDERMined my economic plan of recovery. Well, let me tell U I was once PRIMe minister. And it’s a MeaSUre of just how suCCessful I was and how fearful the estabLISHment was of me that I only lasted 49 days. Tory traitors like MICHAel Gove, Mel STRIde and James CaRTlidge were all terrified of my GENIUs. They could see a ConSERVative miRAcle coming and they WeRE all paid up mEMbers of the Workers’ ReVOLUtionary party. They had to stop me.

But I, The TrUssTER, will NeveR die. My meMORy will live on as the gREAtest prime minISter of the lASt three SENtries. Just Like IN TitaNIC. The prophet without HONor in her own counTRy. The WUN who had LEad the COuntry to within inches of the Promised Land. InSTEad we have a LEFtwing governMENt, with a leftwing BANk of EngLAND, a leftwing OBR and a leftwing TOrY party. The entire estaBLISHment has been captured by Mr BlObbbY. Only by ditchING parRLIament, ditCHIng the OBR, DITching the BAnk of EngLAnd and never having another BUDGIE ever again would Britain become DESErvedLY renamed as TruSSlandia.

ImAGIne it’s 2040. It’s eaSy if you try. No heaven, oNLY hell. AbOVe us only sky. Here’s TRussWorld. No more sATAnic European laws. That I CAMPaigned to kEep. That’s aNUVVer story THO. MaINLy because we have coMPLetely given up trying to traID with the EU. Or anyone else for that MATter. Everyone is in the new caPITalist dream world of bankRUPTtcy. Ireland will once again be eNGulfed in Civil War because we have left the ECHR. The UK will have led two manned miSSIons to Mars with me the coMMander on board the StarSHip PsyCho. DaViD bOWIE has cONTActed me from the aftERLife with a new version of SpaCE oDDity.

-- Ground control to Major Truss / Commencing countdown, there’s no fuss.

AberDEen has become a booOOm town with at least 27 new jobs. Let’s face it. It’s the WOrld we’ve all been D-REEming of. O brave nEW woRLd, to haVe such pEOple as ME in it.

-- For the last time, Liz, you need to go back to bed.

-- I’m not going till I’ve finished my latest book.

-- You’ve already written five and they’re all the same.

-- But people are going to understand this time. They really are.

-- This isn’t going to hurt, Liz. Just a slight prick in the arm.

Digested read, digested: NeVA 4giV. NeVA 4GEt.