The hard and sacred work of talking to young children about death

Sometimes in our work with children we come up against the limits of what Jerome Berryman calls “existential limits.” He named them as death, the threat of freedom, the need for meaning and fundamental loneliness. These difficult topics can be difficult to navigate, especially when it comes to supporting grieving children and/or grieving ourselves.

Why we need to talk to children about death

Talking about death with children is hard and sacred work. Our society has made death a taboo and many adults feel uncomfortable talking about it. This may lead them to avoid helping children deal with their own complex feelings and thoughts about death.

Avoiding discussing death with children is a disservice to children. We know that every human being will have to reckon with death, and this is true even for children, who are at risk of encountering the death of a pet or loved one at a young age. They will also see leaves changing color and falling from trees, flowers in a vase turning brown and withering, and small dead insects or animals in nature.

One of the gifts of the Church is that we have a spiritual language to explain death. We also have hope for an eternal future with God. Our work is to learn best practices for discussing death, supporting those who are grieving, and creating space for people to explore and process their grief and questions openly.

Developing a resource for conversations with preschoolers

In my parish community, we welcomed a family of preschool children who had recently lost their little girl. When they started coming, I realized I was ill-prepared to support them. I bought lots of children’s books about death, stocked these books in our church spaces, listened and learned from family, and then helped prepare my Sunday school teachers to receive guidance on how to support them.

In January 2025, a child who attended our preschool died. Even with my previous efforts to learn how to support a grieving family and talk to children about death, I did not feel prepared to confront the loss of a child with the entire community.

I wanted to share what I learned through these heartbreaking experiences in case it helps anyone else who is on a similar path. I also wanted to channel my work helping preschoolers ages 2-4 in our preschool process following the death of their classmate into a resource that could be used in any preschool chapel, or adapted for children’s times, Sunday school classes, or as lesson plans for Christian preschool educators. I intentionally kept the language and ideas simple because my context is very young children. For older children, there are many other lovely books and resources. I have included some suggestions for older children in my lessons without going into detail.

There are times in the ecclesial year when we regularly have the opportunity to liturgically approach death with children. I created three preschool chapel lessons that tie into some of these: All Souls’ Day, Ash Wednesday, and Good Friday. The other three lessons cover other aspects of grieving or dealing with death. I have also developed an appendix of other resources that I have found useful during these times, which are available below.

In our chapel we have routine opening and closing rituals. These are useful to let children know what to expect, to help them ‘get ready’, and then to mark their dispatch and transition out of the space. Our rituals include lighting candles at the start of chapel, reminding the children that “God is light, and we light the candles as a reminder that God is here with us.” Then we sing a welcome song that the children know, like “Arise, Shine, and Give Glory to God.” Finally, we pray, sing a sendoff song (ours is “Depart Now in Peace”), and then “change the light,” which involves blowing out the candles using the language of Godly Play: “Look what happens to the light when I change it: it hasn’t disappeared, but it expands and fills the whole room. Wherever you go today, the light will always be there, even if you can no longer see it. This is important spiritual language for children regarding death and what comes next.

Preschool Chapel Lessons on Death and Grieving

Editor’s Note: Please credit the author when using or sharing.

You can view and download a printable PDF of the lesson series here: “Preschool Chapel Lessons on Death and Grieving“

A prayer for you before talking to children about death

“Dear God, help me in my efforts to explain death and resurrection to these children. Reassure me of the children’s capacity to understand and their capacity to believe, and make my faith equal to theirs. Then grant me the right words at the right time to satisfy the spirit and comfort the spirit of your children.
Amen.”

Excerpted from “Water Bugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children” by Doris Stickney (revised and expanded, Pilgrim, 1982)

Additional Resources

• “Funeral rite for a child”, in “Enriching Our Worship 3” (Church Publishing, 2007)
• “Understandings of development in very young children, children and adolescents», National Alliance for Child Bereavement (2022)
• “Heaviness, Healing, and Hope: A Three-Part Remembrance Ritual for Those Grieving the Loss of a Child» by Sylvia Miller-Mutia
• “Key points to remember when talking to children and adolescents about death», National Alliance for Child Bereavement (2022)
• “Supporting grieving preschoolers», National Alliance for Child Bereavement (2020)
• “Supporting students during big changes», National Alliance for Child Bereavement (2020)
• “Ways to support a grieving child», National Alliance for Children’s Bereavement
• “What to expect at different ages», National Alliance for Child Bereavement (2020)

For practical suggestions for discussing death with children and supporting grieving children and adults in Christian communities, see Kari Robinson’s article “Best Practices for Talking about Death in Ministry.”

The image shown is of Simeon Muller on Unsplash