In our work as trainers, we will encounter opportunities to talk about death and care for the bereaved. This can be uncomfortable, and in our society this discomfort often deters people from coming forward and having conversations with those who have experienced loss. However, these moments are opportunities to show love and support.
Through my work as Minister of Families, I have generated some good practices in supporting grieving families. The advice below is compiled from many sources, but primarily from the reported experiences of those who are grieving. Ultimately, it is very important to honor the wishes of the grieving party. These tips are intended to serve as a guide on how to handle these sensitive situations.
How to Discuss Death with Children in Ministry
1. Be concrete and clear when talking about a death
Clearly state that the person has died instead of using colloquial expressions. Avoid saying that they “fell asleep,” as this can cause fear in children at bedtime.
2. Keep details about the death to a minimum
Do not give more details or details about the death than necessary. Different families may share different information. Children can talk about it themselves, and we can then approach the issue in a very neutral way. We don’t lie to children, but we also don’t need to include details that could cause undue stress. We also wish to respect the privacy of the grieving family.
3. Avoid glamorizing paradise
Talking about heaven and the hope of eternal life with God can bring comfort. However, we do not want to glorify heaven in a way that makes it seem like a place children should hurry to get to. Using the phrase “in God’s time” can be reassuring since there is much we don’t know about death, especially the “when.”
4. Let the kids lead
Children can talk about death in conversation or while playing. It is important not to interrupt these adaptation processes. Instead, listen carefully and validate their feelings.
5. Welcome conversation about deceased loved ones
If the child shares information, such as memories of a deceased loved one, let them know that you enjoy hearing about them and that they can always talk about it with you.
How to support grieving children and adults
1. Listen
Listen without feeling the need to interject, offer platitudes, or comment. Sometimes well-meaning comments can be hurtful. Listening is more important than speaking.
2. Respect their way of grieving
Hold space for all the feelings they are having and respect the way they grieve. Validate how they feel. Remember that grief is not linear and has many stages.
3. Use the name of the deceased person
Use the name of the deceased, talk about them, and share fond memories if you have them.
4. Remember significant dates of your deceased loved one
Remember dates like death anniversaries and birthdays. Put them in your calendar, contact us and mark the occasion. When possible, remember the smaller steps as well.
5. Anticipate slow or no responses to calls or messages
If you contact by phone or message, give space and don’t wait for a response. Grieving people may feel overwhelmed by the number of messages they receive and may not have the emotional capacity to respond. However, don’t let that stop you from sending us little notes to check in and send support. These are often appreciated.
6. Offer specific help
Instead of saying, “Let me know how I can help you,” offer specific times and offers of help, like “I can watch your kids on Tuesday so you can go for a walk” or “I can bring you groceries and do laundry this weekend.” This gives them an easy way to say yes or no without having to think about the mental to-do list and ask for help.
7. Offer to connect them with grief counselors and pastoral care
Remind them that you can refer them to counselors or pastors for prayer and support. It is helpful if the church can offer to cover expenses.
8. Obtain consent for public plans
It is important to check with the family before making public plans and gestures. Be sure to respect the family’s wishes and the fact that they may need time and privacy. Go at their pace.
9. Plan for long-term support
Most support will arrive in the first few days and weeks, and when that support disappears, the family may feel forgotten and alone.
10. Consider giving children books on grief
Some books that might be helpful to give to grieving children are “Something Very Sad Happened” by Bonnie Zucker, “The Memory Box” by Joanna Rowland, and “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst.
The image shown is of Sandy Millar on Unsplash
Kari Robinson (she/her/hers)
Kari Robinson is a seasoned Family Minister and lay catechist in the Episcopal Diocese of San Diego. She holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology with a strong background in early childhood education and is currently pursuing a master’s degree in education. Kari is passionate about enriching children’s lives and enjoys spending time with the families at her church, where she has been on staff since 2017.
