I’ve been the woman sitting on the plush couch, tissue in one hand and hot green tea in the other, telling a mental health professional, “I don’t know who I am anymore.” I got lost. »
My identity crisis was born from postpartum depression. As a new mom to a four-week-old baby boy, I felt overwhelming sadness and loneliness despite my newfound joy and the value of loving my little wrinkly blessing. By the grace of God, these heavy feelings were due to an easily identified chemical and hormonal imbalance, treatable with therapy and medication.
However, when you lose yourself in loving difficult people, it is often not accompanied by an accurate diagnosis because the problems cannot be solved by scientific resources. Of course, this doesn’t minimize postpartum depression: it’s a deep, dark hole that I pray I never endure again. However, when the other party is not an innocent creature but a conscientious adult choosing to interact with you in a disrespectful manner, things get confusing.
How to manage these relationships isn’t explained on a prescription, and healing involves many parts that you can’t control with swaddles or pacifiers.
So how do you love difficult people without losing yourself? And how can you begin your healing this Valentine’s Day to find more joy?
1. Identify space for personal growth
One of my favorite things about my husband is his gentle and respectful way of playing devil’s advocate. Even when he fully believes that I am right about a relationship dilemma, he tries to see the other person’s point of view and share the ways in which I may or may not have hurt, offended, or ignored him.
Indeed, this does not apply to relationships in which one party is malicious and abusive. Yet, when a relationship is simply difficult or awkward between family, friends, or work colleagues, it never hurts to reflect on yourself.
This promotes humility and helps you identify areas for growth. Meanwhile, while you are searching yourself, anger cannot control the situation. The flesh cannot respond to an emotional high. After all, it’s much harder to feel anger or frustration toward someone when you also understand where you might be at fault. Humility leaves less room for accusations and more room for self-realization.
I often think of this in the same way as forgiving someone who has consciously wronged me. I forgive them because I am called to, of course, but in that calling I discover that forgiving the abuser is God’s way of freeing me from the pain he has caused. Here it works the same way.
When a relationship seems tense or strained, especially if there has been no individual, cataclysmic disagreement that can be easily identified and resolved, recognizing the points where you may not be giving your best in the relationship gives you the freedom to grow as a believer.
This is not about giving someone an out or a free pass when they have wronged you. It’s about using a situation that hurt you to continue to grow as a person. Growing in the fruit of the Spirit will always leave you with a clearer understanding of your purpose and identity. You will not lose who you are, but will discover more of who God made you to be, regardless of the unhealthy people who come and go.
2. Map your capacity
If that difficult person is a parent, sibling, or family friend with whom you have no choice but to interact regularly, things become trickier. By default, love is tested. This is when it is essential to map your capacity.
Note how long your patience lasts when you are with them. Recognize which conversation topics always end in awkwardness and/or arguments. These bits of information naturally create boundaries to protect an already delicate relationship that you feel compelled to maintain.
In the Garland household, we have a few people we need to interact with, but we constantly feel like they’re ignoring us. With these people, it often feels like you’re on a one-way street. So being with them feels like a chore, like an uphill battle.
So, in order not to get confused, and, let’s be honest, our witness, we developed a code phrase. It’s a simple solution that can fit into all kinds of conversations and lets the other person know that we only have a few minutes of patience left.
From there we steer the conversation towards the need to leave soon. This way, no one gets offended or starts arguments, but my husband and I have protected ourselves from losing patience and inappropriate behavior.
If you don’t recognize your abilities and set boundaries, you are subjecting yourself to situations that will naturally bring out the flesh. It is then too easy to get lost in the usual anger, bitterness and resentment.
3. Choose and create joy
As a heartbroken young college student, and even as a mom battling postpartum depression, I had to remind myself that no other human being can establish and maintain joy in my heart. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, an attribute we must cultivate in our hearts. In John 15:16Jesus said: “You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to bear fruit and your fruit to remain. »
So, joy is not just a choice but a practice. This requires our participation.
This might include showing up to a new Bible study, investing more time in healthy mentors, and finding fun and meaningful ways to express our love and appreciation for those who show up to us healthy, no matter the season. This may mean moving away from abusive and toxic relationships and embarking on a search for new, healthy relationships.
Remember that God’s first gift to Adam was Eve. God recognized Adam’s loneliness and did not want him to live in isolation: “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for a man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him'” (Genesis 2:18).
We are no different. We need other people in our lives, people who are invigorating and encouraging, who will respectfully challenge us to grow, but who will support us and love us when we are not at our best. God created these people for us. They exist, but we must play our part in establishing, investing in and maintaining these relationships to the best of our abilities.
Seek the Spirit’s gift of joy, and in that pursuit, let God add wonderful people to your life.
Get together this Valentine’s Day
In today’s culture, “finding yourself” is most often rooted in moral relativism: the idea that if you do what feels best for you, you will discover your purpose. But fulfillment was never meant to be an internal, isolated gift. He was supposed to be taller than you. It was created to share.
Thus we find, maintain, and even return to ourselves when we engage in personal growth in Christ. In this way, we strengthen our humility, protect our hearts from what is unhealthy and discover that joy is a beautiful gift that we can share with others every day.
This Valentine’s Day, if you have been lost, know that God has not lost you. He didn’t misplace your valuables or accidentally throw your lens in the trash. He is just waiting to be your shield, your glory and the one who lifts up your head (Psalm 3:3), to be the one who safeguards your peace, protects your heart and blesses you with rich and godly relationships.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Photo credit: ©iStock/Getty Images Plus/fizkes
