Dating is full of little money moments: choosing a restaurant, talking about travel, splitting a check, and deciding if a gift is “too much.”
You don’t need to ask someone how much they make, what their net worth is, or how much student debt they have to learn how they approach money and what type of financial partner they might be.
Talking about money with a potential partner is never just about money. It’s about values, habits, and expectations about how someone thinks a “team” should work.
What not to ask from the startOn your first dates with someone, can you actually imagine asking, “How much do you make?” » Or: “What is your net worth?” » I wouldn’t be surprised if they excused themselves to go to the bathroom and didn’t come back.
The irony is that these questions aren’t even the best way to get what you’re trying to learn. Someone can make a lot of money and still feel financially unstable. Someone can earn less but have great systems, habits, and boundaries.
The goal is to understand how they perceive money and what their values are.
7 money questions to ask on a dateStart with these questions that invite real answers, stories, preferences and patterns – and reveal their financial mindset in a more organic way.
“Where did you grow up and what was it like?” This is a basic getting-to-know-you question, but you’ll learn a lot about the environment they grew up in, their family norms, and the lifestyle they consider “normal,” without forcing them to go into detail.“Tell me about your family. What were they like when you were growing up?” People will tell you what shaped them if you give them an opening. Pay attention to themes such as stability, ambition, generosity, privacy, education, status, faith and community. These are the elements that determine financial decisions.”What was your first job? » It is a simple way to enter a person’s relationship with work, motivation and independence. Did they feel proud, under pressure, supported or alone? Did they work well with other people? These early experiences tend to manifest themselves into adulthood, including how a person views income and financial stability. A first job often reveals what money means to them: freedom, security, responsibility or survival. It may also hint at their default habits, such as whether they saved their first paychecks, spent them immediately, or used them to help their family.“Are you more of a planner or a wingman?” This is a window into how someone handles uncertaintyand money is full of uncertainty. Two people could be completely different here and still work, but it helps to know what you might be signing up for early on, before life gets busy and major financial decisions are made.“What will you happily spend and refuse to overpay for?” » Most people have “yes” categories and “no” categories that reflect their values. You can find out how they view things like convenience, health, quality, experiences, style, generosity and savings. It’s also a great way to talk about spending without getting into budgets.“What is your ideal vacation?” Vacation preferences are as much about financial expectations as they are about travel. A “camping in national parks” person and a “boutique hotel and tasting menu” person may find common ground, but it’s helpful to learn early on what someone assumes about cost and how they handle it when plan trips with other people. Do they talk openly about a budget before booking, or do they hope that everything will work out?“When you’re stressed, what do you like to do?” You’re not looking for a perfect answer. You learn how a person deals with stress, because stress changes the way people spend, save and communicate about money. Some people plan. Some are distracting. Some have closed their doors. Some people spend. The key is whether they recognize their patterns, because self-awareness this is what allows us to better manage our behaviors.When to become more directWhen money stops being theoretical and starts showing up in decisions that affect you both – moving in, sharing regular expenses, building a life together – it’s time to have more direct and specific conversations.
Money doesn’t have to be the third wheel on your first dates with someone new. Start with questions that reveal how they think and live, and keep the numbers concrete as you build something together. This is how you will avoid surprises and the relationship will last.
Douglas A. Boneparth is the president and founder of A wealth of good faitha New York-based wealth management firm focused on millennials, young professionals and entrepreneurs. He is a member of CNBC financier Advisory Board. Boneparth and his wife, Heatherare the co-authors of “Money Together: How to Find Equity in Your Relationship and Become an Unstoppable Money Team”.
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