The fun mom

Several summers ago we joined a gym. I promise it’s a gym first and foremost, but I’ll be honest: the pool, kiddie pool, and snack bar sold me. The week we joined, my husband, Andrew, who is fun and adventurous, came home from work and suggested we take the kids swimming before dinner. Having been home all day, I wanted to be excited at that moment. I really did it. I loved these family amenities in theory. I tried to match his enthusiasm without effort or hesitation. I wanted, for once in my life, to be a fun mom. But deep down, I had to question myself. Basically, I was at war with myself to make it fun for the kids because, quite honestly, the thought of getting everyone ready and spending the evening there was stressing me out.

To be fair, our kids were four, three and one at the time. None of them knew how to swim, and to emphasize an obvious but ridiculously harsh truth: there were three of them and there were two of us. Having three kids, we’ve seen, means going from man-to-man defense to zone defense. And I’m not the most athletic, so zone defense next to pools of open water isn’t exactly my idea of a good time. For these reasons, I struggled internally to correct my mood.

I was able to accept it because I wanted so much to be the perfect mom imagined in my head. We went straight to the paddling pool and the kids loved it! I mean, sure, there were a few tears, and sure, we forgot the swim diaper, and sure, the concrete was hot, but it was definitely a fun six minutes. After exhausting the fun at the splash pad, they were ready to move on to the pool. Much to their dismay, we walked past the large pool filled with teenagers and arrived at the much smaller and much more deserted children’s pool. Even so, it required constant monitoring to make sure someone didn’t drown, everyone played well, and the non-swim diaper didn’t explode. (Did I mention that the glass gym on the second floor overlooks the pool and busy pool-goers?) After enough pent-up worry, I suggested going there. Dinner was approaching and I knew we would suddenly have five wet and hungry people on our hands if we didn’t leave soon.

The kids had a great time, Andrew had a great time and honestly I considered that a success too. However, on the way back, I couldn’t get rid of the inner turmoil from before. It wasn’t even really about the pool, it was something much deeper than the experience just skimmed over.

When we were almost home, the kids were busy talking and playing in the backseat, and I finally told Andrew what was troubling me: “I just want to be a fun mom, always loving and kind.” I’m an external processor and I needed to say it out loud, but I also expected him to assure me without pause that I was all of those things. Following this, I would have undoubtedly rejected all his well-meaning words since he is biased and loves me excessively. Except, to my surprise, he didn’t. Instead, what he said caught me so off guard that it will stay with me for the rest of my life.

“Do you want a God who is always fun, loving and kind? » he asked.

That made me stop. Andrew’s question made me throw my head back – as one does when surprised – as if by exposing a double chin we could better assess the situation. This was a question I really didn’t know how to answer. I mean, these are great qualities and characteristics that I believe God possesses, but to sum it up like this? It seemed… small and insufficient. Knowing that we have absolutely no say in who God is, I chose to play along and ultimately landed on, “Well, I want a God who is good.” Andrew paused for a split second, almost as if he knew what I was going to say, and then his next words were more bracing than anything else he could have said to me. “Exactly,” he said. “And that encompasses so much more than fun and love and kindness. And that’s what you offer our children.”

As I thought about what Andrew said, and okay, cried a little as that truth seeped deep into a weary soul who had unknowingly craved those exact words, I realized something. I couldn’t just answer his question with an easy “yes” because, although I think those qualities sound beautiful, I ultimately knew deep down that I wanted a God who does the hard things and pushes me to do the hard things. I love that God is not only good, but is for our good and does everything for our good, even the ugly mess. I like that my messes and mistakes don’t bother him. I love that he is safe while my situation is not. His plans and my story won’t always be fun. They won’t always feel loving and kind, but they are. He always works things out for our good and for His purposes. And as I get older, I realize that I want that more than what I want: to be the perfect, fun mom.

Perhaps the biggest cause of feeling like a failure in motherhood comes not from the standards God has set, but from the unspoken standards set by us and the world. Often, what we define as a “good” mom is simply one who is currently liked by her children. But just like me, my children won’t always appreciate what is truly for their own good. They won’t always like what they need, and by extension, they may not like me every minute of every day. My job in becoming a good mom isn’t to be loved, it’s to love them enough to be what they need despite what they want.

Maybe becoming a good mom doesn’t mean never failing, because we know it’s an impossible task from the first night as a mom. Maybe becoming the mom God wants us to be is simply about being a woman who, even if she fails, always turns to the One who never does, following His commands another day, another time, another abandonment. Perhaps it is enough to faithfully be and become who He calls us to be today. Perhaps faithfulness is found as much in our humble looking back as it is in the moments when we excel.

Hallie Dye is a wife of 13 years and mother of 3 lively children in Monroe, Louisiana. Hallie is the host of The Saltworks Podcast and founder of Saltworks Ministries. Encouraging ordinary people to share their stories of incredible faith one Tuesday at a time, the Salt Flats is a place where we can both connect from all walks of life and be encouraged to live boldly for Christ, whatever our occupation or situation. Hallie and her husband teach a 20- to 40-something life group at their local church, and she loves speaking at events when she can. When she’s not studying, recording, or writing, you can find her hanging out with friends and family, eating Louisiana soul food, or reading a fiction novel before bed.