What is “nacho parenting” in stepfamilies?

Because I have worked in stepfamily ministry for many years, I am often asked about the term “Nacho Kids” or “Nacho Parenting.”

This phrase, created, owned and trademarked in 2013 by David and Lori Sims, came after attending a marriage counseling session. They had difficulty uniting his son and his 4 children into one home.

“We explained to our counselor that the hardest part of being mixed was figuring out how to manage each other’s children or not,” Lori explained. “The counselor looked at me and said, ‘Lori, David’s kids aren’t yours.’

Initially, we perceived his response as negative. But after thinking about it, we realized it made perfect sense! As a stepmother, I created my own misery. I was trying to raise David’s children the way I thought they should be raised. So I quickly followed his advice and changed my mind. Everything has changed for the better. This is how Nacho Kids was born.

Because the expression is often misunderstood as destructive, here is a definition directly from the founders.

Nacho Child

noun ˈnä-chō child

1. A child in a stepfamily where the stepparent has a supportive and caring relationship but does not take the primary parental role. This allows biological parents to manage discipline, rules, and major parenting decisions.

2. A concept from the Nacho Kids® Method that emphasizes healthy boundaries in stepfamilies by recognizing that a stepparent can care for a child, without taking on the responsibility of raising them.

The method is designed to teach the biological parent and stepparent how to:

-Learn their role

-Understand what is normal in a blended family

-Let every parent be the parent

-Establish a wise and healthy boundary with a spouse

-Stay away from things they can’t control

– Let go of the need to be right

-Bring unity into the house

As a stepfamily coach, I use a different phrase. I call this “Stepping Back Without Stepping Out.” However, it means the same thing as Nacho Parenting.

Clear up the confusion

1. Sometimes when a stepfamily hears the phrase “nacho parenting,” they get defensive. They assume this gives the stepparent permission or encouragement to dislike, reject, or ostracize their stepchild. Nothing could be further from the truth.
2. Blended families are complex. After a death, divorce or separation, there is pain and sorrow. Then the new couple dreams of how a blended family should work. This vision, while well-intentioned, creates a narrative where the mix becomes an “instafamily.” Our desire is for all members of the household to see each other through the same family lens.
3. Combining two houses into one takes time. Because adults have a new love, fresh and wonderful, they desire to recreate what was lost. They have a healthy view of marriage and family. But once all the kids are under the same roof, things can change quickly.
4. One of the main reasons stepfamilies fail is because the couple moved too quickly and/or the parent never became an emotionally stable single parent before remarrying. The parent has not learned to overcome the guilt, shame, fear, or exhaustion that comes with being a single parent. They place the stepparent in the parental role that they have avoided to avoid being the “bad cop.” Children, young or old, are obliged to consider and accept the new blended family as a biological family. Anytime you hear a parent say, “There are no steps in this house, we’re all one family,” it’s an indication that the children haven’t had the time and space to bond with the stepfamily.
5. When a biological parent steps aside and allows the stepparent to become the primary disciplinarian, it usually backfires. The stepparent cannot – and should not – be more of a parent than the biological parent. This is where the Nacho Kids method is great. The method teaches the stepparent how to hand over the reins of discipline to the parent to whom he or she belongs. Rules without relationships cause rebellion.
6. A question I often get asked is, “What if the parent refuses to be a parent”? This is a marriage problem, not a stepfamily problem. Premarital counseling should have addressed this issue before anything else. Unfortunately, very few couples receive this information. For the marriage to survive, the couple must seek help from professionals specializing in blended families.
7. “Love them like your own” has become a common mantra in stepfamilies. The motive behind this is correct; the method is incorrect. God has given parents a bond with their child that is unlike any other love. He did this intentionally so that we could get a glimpse of how much He loves us. No matter what we do, God will not stop loving us. This is usually how a parent or grandparent loves their own child: unconditionally. It’s indescribable. Telling a man or woman that they should have the same attachment and fascination with a child that their spouse had with ANOTHER person is heartless and unrealistic. It sets them up for shame and failure. Blended family love is formed over time. It’s not instantaneous. Most stepparents who have biological children will say, “I love my stepchildren passionately. However, it is a different type of love than the love I have for my biological children.” Why do we discredit or humiliate a stepparent because they are experiencing a completely natural reaction? Is not the love chosen for a child who is not one’s own a greater sacrifice and a greater devotion? Shouldn’t a stepparent be applauded instead of vilified because tenderness has occurred over time?
   

When things go wrong

I’m not naive. I have been working in the field of divorce recovery and blended family ministry for over 30 years. Plus, I’ve seen every Disney movie. I meet stepparents who don’t like – or even dislike – their stepchildren. Either they were naive and/or underestimated the effort it would take to create a healthy stepfamily. Or maybe they didn’t care.

Either way, it’s the children and grandchildren who suffer.