Roots & Wings FAQ: What about parents who want to worship without their children?

Roots & Wings: Inter Generational Formation Collaborative (R&W) is a grant aimed at enabling congregations to practice dynamic intergenerational liturgy, particularly in episcopal contexts. Our grants team defines intergenerational liturgy as one that seeks to intentionally engage and equally value the gifts and needs of two or more generations (or each generation present). You can find out more in our article “What is intergenerational worship?” » This series of articles, “Roots & Wings FAQ,” offers answers to frequently asked questions about intergenerational liturgy.

I have served in several congregations that offer children’s chapel. During the Liturgy of the Word, children exit the sanctuary for a child-centered time of Scripture reading and prayer, then return to La Paix. In conversations about intergenerational liturgy, leaders often share that parents and guardians enjoy Children’s Chapel and ask how to engage parents and guardians in intergenerational worship. One webinar participant asked the question this way:

“The members of our church who are most opposed to child worship are parents, because they feel like it takes away from their worship experience/distracts them from worrying about their children. How can we reshape this narrative or encourage them to change their point of view?»

Parenting in Worship Can Be Difficult

As someone who prays weekly with an infant and preschooler, I deeply resonate with the challenges of “parenting in a pew.” In fact, having my children with me throughout worship distracts me and diminishes my own ability to worship the way I used to. I often miss an entire reading when I take my daughter to the bathroom, and if I can even hear the sermon about dropping pencils and chewing goldfish crackers, I certainly can’t follow the plot for a full 15 minutes. Not to mention the times I go outside for a walk with a fussy baby.

Ideas for connecting with parents and guardians

There is no silver bullet here. It is difficult to be fully present in worship while parenting young children. Here is what I would suggest to church leaders faced with this justified concern:

1. Affirm their experience

Rather than trying to convince caregivers that praying with children can be a magical experience, perhaps we could start by affirming the challenge and loss. It’s hard to parent during worship. And it’s almost impossible to worship in the same way without your children present. Let’s call this grief.

2. Ask for details

Try to understand even more deeply what the caregiver finds difficult: “Tell me more about what is difficult or distracting when your children are in worship with you. » Do not offer solutions, even if you see a “solution” to what the caregiver finds difficult. Build trust by reaffirming what is difficult. Consider keeping a list of what caregivers tell you so you can share it with other leaders and look for trends.

3. Pay attention to desire

Many caregivers of young children are at their wits’ end. The desire to worship without the distraction of children may indicate a greater desire for silence, dedicated prayer time, meaningful rituals, connection with God, or simply rest. Perhaps if this desire were addressed outside of the liturgy, caregivers would have more latitude to care for parents during the liturgy. Consider other ways the Church can meet this desire. Wednesday, parents complaining on Zoom? A quiet room with prayer stations before worship, while the children attend nursery/training time? Monthly dinner with childcare provided?

4. Promote intergenerational relationships

In most congregations, there are a plethora of adults who do not pray with young children. Some of them would probably like to help a young family. And some young families would really appreciate this help!

The matchmaking aspect of asking children to pray with non-family members to allow parents to pray with fewer distractions can be tricky. Some adults are uncomfortable offering to take a baby or sit with a child because they don’t want to put pressure on the parent or be rejected. Some children are reserved and would not be comfortable praying away from their parents. When we focus on creating a culture of strong intergenerational relationships, this “connecting” can happen naturally in a way that works for everyone involved. In fostering these relationships, I would encourage adults who do not worship with young children to take the initiative to get to know the families.

5. Be a gentle guide

I find that worshiping with my preschooler is more meaningful when I engage her in worship with me rather than trying to distract her or silence her. Caregivers may need ideas on how to proceed with children of different ages. Some things that work well with my three-year-old daughter: inviting her to dance during the hymns, encouraging her to bow as the cross passes, and asking her, “What are you praying for today?” during the prayers of the people.

6. Get creative to meet needs

Consider what a parent of young children might need to participate in liturgical leadership. Does a parent need childcare to attend choir rehearsals? Or maybe parents want to change who sings in the choir every Sunday? In our monthly Forma Intergenerational Ministry Community Cohort, someone shared that a young mother leaving the vestry told them, “I wish someone would offer me family dinner during vestry meetings so I would have one less thing on my plate.” Perhaps we can “take something else off the plate” of a parent to free them up for liturgical leadership.

7. Define the vision

A clear, well-articulated “why” goes a long way in engaging others in something new or challenging. Each church leader will need to find the core value and language that feels authentic to them.

Here’s what I remember on days when it’s difficult to parent during worship: I believe that worship is the primary and distinctive activity of the Christian community. We can read the Bible together at home. We can serve our neighbors through other organizations. But it is only during the Eucharist that we unite with our fellow Christians to tell and dramatize the story of our faith. I want my children to know how to worship. I want them to feel a sense of belonging to the larger body of Christ. So I invite them to practice with me.

A support approach

Again, there is no perfect “solution” here. The reality is that it is difficult to be fully present during liturgy while parenting young children. Instead of looking for a technical solution, I wonder how religious communities could support caregivers so that over timeperhaps a liturgical month or season, parents’ desires are met and opportunities for children to actively engage in full worship are expanded.

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