If I could, I would meet you for coffee, look you in the eye, and say, “I’m so sorry you feel lost and alone. » This motherhood job is difficult and can be very lonely at times. Although we know we all need friends to support us, offer us sincere encouragement, and give us a healthy dose of helpful advice, friendships look (and feel) different now.
The truth is that motherhood changes us, but it also changes our relationships, including our friendships. It’s not always intentional, it’s just reality. Managing kids, a husband, work, and piles of laundry leaves little time for anything else, much less a friend. Unfortunately, over time, we just sort of give in and give in to the demands of our families and the never-ending checklist that needs to be accomplished. Sure, we may have a mom friend who appears in our lives for a short season, but as soon as life happens and duty calls, we sadly part ways. So how exactly can we manage motherhood and maintain friendships?
Make new friends and keep old ones
If I’m sentimentally honest, I think of my “old” friends fondly, wondering what they’re doing and how their children are doing. It’s especially hard if we live together and share our most intimate thoughts and struggles, but “mommy life” has caused us to slowly (or abruptly) separate. So if (and when) we happen to bump into each other at the grocery store or at a school event, the awkward, casual conversation usually leaves me wondering where our friendship would be if we put in a little more effort.
Here again, at the opposite end, there are those friends, despite all the obstacles, who form a beautiful friendship. Just as invested, just as much effort, and it’s just great, until it’s not. Perhaps cross-country travel becomes tense and the distance causes great division, or the enemy has other plans and destroys your friendship with excessive drama and tension. At any given moment, only hurt feelings and painful memories ensue. Like I said, motherhood changes our friendships and, unfortunately, it can sometimes feel like we’re starting high school all over again – Ugh!
But what if I told you that making new mom friends and keeping old ones may seem different, but there is a purpose behind it all, and our God is at the forefront? This means that everything has a purpose! Today, I cordially invite you (yes, you!) to flip the script with me. Go grab a cup of coffee (or this delicious chamomile tea) and let’s meet at our messy kitchen tables, surrounded by cereal crumbs and crayons. It’s high time we got real and brutally honest. Most importantly, let’s find out what God has to say about these mom friendships.
Not every mom in your life is meant to be your friend
This is a hard truth to swallow because maybe, like me, you have some pretty amazing women in your life right now; you just haven’t managed to turn it into a friendship. Then again, there are other times when you both bring something to the friendship, but it doesn’t take off, or your friendship just doesn’t “click,” so to speak. When this happens and we find ourselves in a perpetual season of loneliness where friendships are not easily formed, we can begin to believe all sorts of things – namely lies! But the truth is, not every mom will be “your cup of tea,” and neither will you be theirs. And you know what? It’s good !
God knows we deeply need meaningful and purposeful friendships. He created us like this (Proverbs 17:17). So, a deep connection with others is invaluable, especially when it comes to our ministry as mothers. Maybe that’s why it hurts so much not having a friend to lean on. But to be honest, we don’t want just any friend; we want a friend who we can really connect with. Someone who is vulnerable and approachable, understands our struggles, and relates to our jokes or goofy comments. A friend who shows compassion and provides support through prayer and praise. An honest, humble and sincere friend. A friend who holds us to the fire when we go against God and His Word. Basically, as believers, we want that mom friend who will help us deepen our faith (Proverbs 27:17).
So while friends may come and go from our lives, the reason sometimes being known only to our God, we must trust His plan and purpose for each mom we encounter. What you need to remember when you feel alone is that finding real, genuine friends who will encourage you and hold you accountable to being a better wife, mother, sister and daughter is not easy and takes time. But it is achievable when we place our trust in God, knowing that He will bring us the blessing of a sweet friend just when we need it!
How to build friendships between moms
Maybe before kids, you could find friends when you went to the beach or headed to a local spa. But these days you can barely keep your head above water, and if you had the privilege of relaxing at the spa, you’d probably fall asleep within ten minutes. All of this is to say that finding friends as a mom will be very different than it was before kids!
Now you’re arriving late in the carpool line or trying to breastfeed a fussy baby in the mall without feeling the heat of the judgmental stares staring back at you. Times have changed – you realize that – and you may feel like friendships will have to wait for now. And then it happens. You meet another mom who pulls up behind you in her car with yoga pants on and vomit all over her shirt, and that’s it, you’re instantly friends. Or a mom sits next to you at the mall and offers to hide with an understanding smile. And you know, this mom gets it! And that, my friend, is how it all begins.
Oh, but don’t be discouraged if your “friend” didn’t show up with a messy bun and toothpaste all over her holey sweatpants, because in the meantime, you can…
1. Start with yourself. Go ahead and make a list (mentally is good) of what you can bring to a friendship. Search the Bible verses below and see what you have to offer and areas in which you can grow. Invite God into these places and ask for his help.
A good friend is:
Encouraging and supportive – 1 Thessalonians 5:11
Open, honest and trustworthy – James 5:16
Servant and hospitable heart – 1 Peter 4:8-10
Also harnessed – Galatians 6:4
Sincere, helpful and compassionate – Galatians 6:2
This is just the beginning. There are so many other verses about friendship. Dig into His Word and let God reveal His heart behind friendships to you and see what you can learn from it!
2. Think about the characteristics or traits you look for in a mom friend.
3. Pray and ask for God’s favor to find a new sweet mommy friend. Share in detail what you need while considering what you bring to a friendship.
4. Step out of your comfort zone a little. Join a local moms group, a women’s Bible study, or strike up a conversation with that mom at your child’s soccer practice. Listen to God’s direction, be bold, and step forward in faith.
5. Remember that finding the right friend takes time and comes from a place of surrender by trusting the Lord. Be patient with yourself and the process and open to the opportunities God gives you. Often, mom friendships are formed with simple commonalities or personalities coming together in a unique and beautiful way!
Once you have found a sweet mommy friend, as in any meaningful relationship, shower her with love by investing a little of your time, energy and effort, allowing God to guide you with compassion, sincerity and honesty. Believe me, what you pour into sweet friendship will often blossom blessings beyond measure, for it will bring forth a sweet reminder of the greatest friend we have in Jesus.
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/jacoblund
