When a child is upset, most parents instinctively ask the same question: “What’s wrong?”
This is well intentioned and comes from care. But after years of teaching conscious parenting and study more than 200 childrenI’ve seen how many times this question does the opposite of what parents hope. Instead of opening children up, it can silence them.
Emotional intelligence develops when children feel safe enough to think. Without this foundation, even the most pertinent questions can seem insurmountable in the moment.
In my research, one phrase helped children pause, think, and communicate more openly: “Tell me what seems difficult to you right now.”
This magic phrase works because it matches how children actually experience their emotions in real life. Rather than requiring clarity or explanation, it creates the conditions in which understanding can emerge naturally.
1. It reduces defensiveness before the conversation even beginsDuring tantrums, emotional releases after school, or moments of sudden irritability, children are already on edge. The word “tough” sounds human and non-threatening. This signals to your child that they’re not in trouble and don’t need to justify their feelings, making it easier for them to stay engaged instead of shutting down or pushing away.
2. It allows emotional language to develop organicallyChildren do not need to precisely label their emotions. They can describe a situation, a feeling or a moment that seemed upsetting to them. Over time, this gently expands emotional language, allowing insight to develop naturally rather than being forced before the child has the words.
3. It establishes emotional safety before problem solvingBefore solving a problem, before advice, before correction, this sentence says to a child: “I can handle what you feel.” Emotional intelligence develops in welcoming environments where emotions are met with stability rather than urgency.
4. It gives children the power to manage what they shareRather than requiring an explanation, this question invites reflection. The child decides how much to share and when, thereby strengthening their sense of agency over their emotional experience, which is an essential basis for self-regulation and confidence.
5. It helps calm the nervous system firstWhen children feel emotionally safe, their stress response begins to take hold. This phrase is particularly effective when behavior seems disproportionate or confusing, because it prioritizes regulation over reasoning.
6. It normalizes emotions as part of everyday lifeBy focusing on what seems difficult, parents communicate that emotions can be seen without being rushed or corrected. It teaches children that feelings can be experienced and worked through rather than avoided or suppressed.
7. It demonstrates emotional intelligence in real timeChildren learn emotional intelligence through experience, not instruction. When parents respond with calm curiosity rather than control or urgency, they model how to approach emotions with regularity and thoughtfulness. These are skills that children eventually apply to themselves.
Our job as parents is to create an environment in which our children feel safe sharing their inner world. When you adjust your language, you shape the emotional tone of your relationship. Over time, children learn that their feelings are important signals that deserve attention.
Reem Raouda is a leading voice on mindful parenting and the creator of BOUND and FOUNDATIONS magazines, now offered together as Emotional Safety Pack. She is widely recognized for her expertise in children’s emotional well-being and for redefining what it means to raise emotionally healthy children. Connect with her on Instagram.
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