At 87, my attractive, menacing grandmother gets away with murder. Which model ! | Ella McLeod
When my grandfather died in 2007, we all worried about my grandmother. But she wasn't done eating at the table of life yet — indeed, she exceeded our expectations and entered the era of Michelin stars. At 87, she is now a prolific WhatsApp user, masters emoji and calls actor Régé-Jean Page her "young boyfriend". Her widow's grief was keenly felt, but my sister calls her a sunflower for a reason: bright, solid petals in the center. Iron rods.
She also has a flair for the dramatic, preferring to threaten us with her mortality - "I hope I'll still be here when you graduate" - than to actually "kick the bucket" (his favorite euphemism). But it's consistent: my cousin, on vacation at the beach, was ominously warned (via all caps) that "THE SEA IS A GOOD SERVANT BUT A BAD MASTER." And she has no qualms about making her outrage known: when a guy in a briefcase pushed her out of the way to get on the bus, she kissed his teeth and told him that if he pushed her still she would "clap yuh wi' me stick".
Only a 4ft pensioner could get away with threatening GBH, but grandma Sylvia gets away with it with everything now. She bats Marks & Spencer staff and discounts appear. When she arrived in London as a trainee nurse in 1962, on her 27th birthday, she was at the height of professionalism; now, as a patient, she flirts with every male doctor she meets. Because she grew up with a pair of shoes in 1930s Jamaica, the 2022 grandmother refuses to leave the house unless she looks stunning in a silk blouse, matching silk scarf and Skechers in rose gold - because "I might see someone I know". And she still does. A scheduled 40-minute round trip takes two hours as she is hailed as Clapham's prom queen. She's an octogenarian it girl - and I can only aspire to be the same.
Ella McLeod is a writer, poet and performer
Rapunzel, or, Don't Touch My Hair by Ella McLeod is published by Scholastic (£8.99). To support the Guardian and the Observer, order your copy from guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply
When my grandfather died in 2007, we all worried about my grandmother. But she wasn't done eating at the table of life yet — indeed, she exceeded our expectations and entered the era of Michelin stars. At 87, she is now a prolific WhatsApp user, masters emoji and calls actor Régé-Jean Page her "young boyfriend". Her widow's grief was keenly felt, but my sister calls her a sunflower for a reason: bright, solid petals in the center. Iron rods.
She also has a flair for the dramatic, preferring to threaten us with her mortality - "I hope I'll still be here when you graduate" - than to actually "kick the bucket" (his favorite euphemism). But it's consistent: my cousin, on vacation at the beach, was ominously warned (via all caps) that "THE SEA IS A GOOD SERVANT BUT A BAD MASTER." And she has no qualms about making her outrage known: when a guy in a briefcase pushed her out of the way to get on the bus, she kissed his teeth and told him that if he pushed her still she would "clap yuh wi' me stick".
Only a 4ft pensioner could get away with threatening GBH, but grandma Sylvia gets away with it with everything now. She bats Marks & Spencer staff and discounts appear. When she arrived in London as a trainee nurse in 1962, on her 27th birthday, she was at the height of professionalism; now, as a patient, she flirts with every male doctor she meets. Because she grew up with a pair of shoes in 1930s Jamaica, the 2022 grandmother refuses to leave the house unless she looks stunning in a silk blouse, matching silk scarf and Skechers in rose gold - because "I might see someone I know". And she still does. A scheduled 40-minute round trip takes two hours as she is hailed as Clapham's prom queen. She's an octogenarian it girl - and I can only aspire to be the same.
Ella McLeod is a writer, poet and performer
Rapunzel, or, Don't Touch My Hair by Ella McLeod is published by Scholastic (£8.99). To support the Guardian and the Observer, order your copy from guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply
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