I could be naked in front of my wife and she still wouldn't want sex. Even our honeymoon left me frustrated

I am a female in my thirties who has been in a relationship with my partner (also female) for almost four years. Our sex life has never been amazing, but we love each other deeply and when we have sex, it's it's good. But the frequency is low - we get intimate once every two months and she never initiates sex. We recently got married and during our one week honeymoon we had sex once. I'm at my wit's end with frustration and sadness that she doesn't seem to want to sleep with me. I've tried talking to her about what's going on and she's generally dismissive, blaming it on our busy lives. When I brought up the honeymoon and the fact that I was rejected several times during a week when we were both relaxed, she had no response. Is it time to consult a sex therapist? I don't want an asexual or low-sex marriage. I love my wife very much and I'm sure she loves me, but it's really starting to affect the way I feel. I could wear the hottest outfit or nothing and she still wouldn't budge. What can we do to change things?

A good sex therapist could definitely help. An imbalance of sexual interest between partners can be a source of enormous frustration for both. It can create resentment, anger and even lead to a breakup. With help, you could both clarify each other's needs, come to an understanding, learn to communicate better – and have the best chance of resolving the situation. Sometimes there's a medical or psychological reason for low desire, and a sex therapist can help identify factors that need attention. Unfortunately, many people passively accept such an impasse which, as you have already discovered, can have a devastating effect on self-esteem. You are smart to consider seeking help.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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