I hate my aging body. Why do I look at myself in disgust? | Ask Philippa

The Dilemma How can I be less self-aware and less self-hating about my sagging, middle-aged, toneless body, when I'm undressed? This means that I am inhibited in many ways and avoid activities where I have to show my arms and, worse, my legs or my belly. I'm afraid of having to wear a bathing suit, even though I like to swim. It also means that I don't feel comfortable being naked with my partner during sex. It even affects the positions we take - I can't bring myself to be on top because I'm so ashamed of my saggy belly and breasts.

I walk a lot, go to yoga, do Pilates and other classes several times a week, and I love what my body can accomplish in these classes. I am almost 60 years old and have a good diet (no meat, lots of fish, legumes, fruits and a wide range of vegetables). I am about second overweight and have struggled with it almost my entire life.

I know we are all so much more than our physical appearance and I be ashamed to be ashamed. It may be relevant - at an early age I developed large breasts which attracted unwanted male attention when I was still basically a child and I remember choosing clothes for disguise my female body rather than celebrate it.

I don't look at my friends with disgust, they are beautiful, even if they don't don't have a perfect body, so why do I look at myself like that?

Philippa's answer I like the way you do so much to take care of yourself, you take care of yourself, it's fantastic. However, you have a problem with the way you talk to yourself. It seems impossible to silence this critical voice. I'm sure you've tried, but you can develop a different relationship with him. Instead of being that voice and saying, "I hate my belly," just watch it. Notice the voice that says these hateful things to you and stop taking it seriously. Looking at it rather than being at it, or engaging with it, will begin to create distance between you and that inner critic.

We are trained from an early age to believe that youth is beauty and age is not. I remember my mother looking at herself and lamenting her loss of youth and saying things to me like, "You're fine..." but it wasn't because she was passing it on to me. habit of body hatred. We are bombarded with images of very young women, we get the message that this is what we should all look like. One would think because of this stereotype that these girls were the epitome of women. But they are not. You are. Our skin stretches as it ages and we've been conditioned to think it's not beautiful. We've been told what we're supposed to look like by people trying to sell us firming lotions and anti-aging creams, and fashion. Their goal is to scare us into being unlovable because we don't look like a 20-year-old. So they feed our self-loathing so we buy more stuff – and the tactic works. Well, to the extent that we buy stuff, it works, but stuff, no, it doesn't, so our distribution of skin and fat remains appropriate for our age. Yes, we can look at skin that looks like crepe paper where there once was smooth flesh, and we can know that we've been trained to believe that one is good and the other bad, but we can also know that we have a choice about how we think about it.

Who really are the most attractive older women? Not the thinnest, not the youngest, but the women who carry themselves with pride, who don't hide, who hold their heads up and laugh no matter what may waver, those who breathe because they don't hold breathing them in as they try to hold themselves in a stomach. Confidence is attractive. We have to try to develop it. Confidence, not thinness or firmness, is the key to looking and feeling beautiful.

Your critical voice has been giving you negative messages about your body for years , it's time to sing a counter message. Take off your clothes, look in the full-length mirror and say, “I am the epitome of womanhood. All women should look like me.

When you say it, oh boy, your inner critic will try to yell at you. But that critical voice isn't about the truth, you're just used to it. It's easy to confuse familiarity with truth. Who should declare what is beautiful and what is not? Who are you, not someone trying to sell you snake oil. Raise your head proudly. You are a wonderful sexy body, having great sex, train yourself to be proud of it. I want you to do this morning and evening. Don't waste another day not savoring how fabulous you are. You may not feel confident, but take action, get used to it. You can fake it, and so can I - thanks for the reminder.

Men and boys, if you're still reading this, stop perverting on young girls' bodies , or if not...