I have a small penis, will I be able to "measure myself" one day? | Ask Philippa

The question that I have a small penis. When I was about 14, I was called out to by a boy in the school locker room to "have a baby". I felt humiliated. It had never occurred to me until now that this mattered.

This seems to be something that , according to the media, is laughable and makes me less of a man. The word "manliness" is used as a euphemism that equates desirable masculine traits with a big penis.

I am 55 years old, father of three children and in a happy and loving relationship with a good sex life. You would probably tell me that if my partner is satisfied, then I should overcome my insecurities. I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm probably not going to "play the field" anymore. But I worry and worry and get depressed about it and I've been doing it for 40 years.< /p>

My upbringing was one where I was expected to "fail" and I developed a deep-rooted low self-esteem and a sense of shame for not being enough of a person. So “evidence” like this for “being short” reinforces my sense of inadequacy. I got advice, but I didn't feel that I was taken seriously. I'm still so heartbroken that I can't "measure myself" as I would ideally like. I carry a genuine sense of anger that it generally seems okay to make fun of half of all men with smaller than average penises. "Oh, he's got a big car with a long bonnet - what's he trying to catch [titter]." How do I learn to love myself independent of this physical attribute that seems so crucial to me (and is stigmatized by most people) and that forces me to hide my shame?

Philippa's responseI know it took courage to write and I commend you for that. Talking about it openly is a step towards healing.

Your upbringing was one where you were expected to fail. It seems that you have been repeatedly led to believe that you are not up to it. I don't think it's as much as the size of your penis testifies to the point that it's come to symbolize how you were always treated growing up. It sounds like you might have body dysmorphia.

Body dysmorphia is a mental health condition in which you can't stop thinking about a perceived flaw in your body. It makes no difference whether others think it's a flaw or not - you still feel so ashamed and anxious about it that it negatively affects your life. Body dysmorphia can be the result of being teased, bullied, overly criticized or abused as a child.

I think your brain made the connection when you been humiliated about how a part of you looked in the locker room at 14 all the times you felt inadequate. The daily painful insults that you had suffered until then have all accumulated on this innocent body part. It is a symbol of your psychological pain. Then, every time you hear about small penises in public or private, it makes the hurt worse. Until you get to the point where you worry and obsess about it, probably all the time, sometimes in the background of your mind, but often in the foreground.

You are probably thinking, if only there was safe plastic surgery, you would be cured. But it wouldn't be so simple, because you would never be satisfied with the result: with body dysmorphia, it's not the part of the body that is at fault, it's the part of the body that bears the responsibility for the psychological injuries. that you have suffered. at the top. I understand that you feel like your part of the body is at fault, or that society is at fault, but really, it's the way you were made to feel your whole being when you were growing up that is the mistake. And yes, why wouldn't you be mad about it? It left you with a difficult legacy to deal with.

Body dysmorphia usually doesn't get better on its own. If left untreated, it can get worse over time. The usual treatments are cognitive behavioral therapy and/or antidepressants. You should be able to access it through your GP. Personally, I would prefer hypnotherapy (see nationalhypnotherapysociety.org) for body dysmorphia because you'll have to sever the bond you've made with your penis with that old wound to feel like you're failing. By making a good life for yourself, you proved your executioners wrong. It's time to have an inner life that matches that.

I know it's hard to talk about it, but by writing you started that process. The next step will be to visit your GP. If it's too hard to talk, show them that horn...