I Want A Divorce But Past Trauma Means My Wife Won't Accept The Idea | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

My wife and I had issues for most of our relationship. For more than a decade she struggled with intimacy, made worse - we think - by a sexual assault 12 years ago. She then found out she was pregnant and after an agonizing wait we confirmed the baby was mine and we now have an absolutely amazing child together.

As a result of all this, she was diagnosed with a combination of PTSD and postnatal depression, during which time she racked up huge debts. She then had an affair with my best friend. I believe both were symptoms of his illness, but his behavior since has prevented me from restoring trust. I don't think she's cheating on me, but I'm sure that in any choice between my happiness and hers, mine is considered less important and immediately ignored. I have now reached the point where I want to separate.

I believe there are many ways for parents to cooperate and raise a healthy child and happy. I offered a completely equal financial deal (there is a big difference between our salaries) where I will help him buy a house. I would then rent until she could put the mortgage in her own name. However, she has threatened to fight for sole custody, refuses financial assistance and said she will move into a council house. While none of this is likely, it gives me no confidence in a quick resolution - and any ongoing recriminations would only harm my child.

I believe that we would be healthier and happier apart, but I fear the repercussions could be so damaging that our child would be permanently affected. I also think I deserve some happiness, some time and space for myself to heal.

I'm sorry you two got together in this situation. In times of threatened separation, people often bring hurts from the past to the negotiating table, which can make a clean, healthy breakup - something you crave - very difficult.

I spoke to family psychotherapist John Cavanagh (aft.org.uk), who said you "cannot underestimate the impact of sexual assault on intimacy". Add to that your wife's sanity and her ability to handle situations where she doesn't feel in control, and Cavanagh wonders if you've really managed to talk about it? Did she ever receive specialist support at the time?

Cavanagh felt that the two of you had to deal with “a lot of complex themes right off the bat. The uncertainty about your child's paternity and the added complexity that he might be the product of abuse…all of this happened at what should have been a joyful moment. How, as a couple, you talked about it really matters to me.

Were you able to make room for each other's feelings in that moment? The reason this is important is that times of stress usually follow a pattern. This pattern can be defined by lived examples growing up, so it could be a "corrective or replicative script," Cavanagh says. You can choose to follow the examples presented to you, or try to challenge them and do things differently. In your case, he suggests, "that model may be to manage conflict by separating". "data- spacefinder-type="model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.RichLinkBlockElement" class="dcr-1mfia18"/>

Cavanagh wondered if your wife really wanted to separate? "You've offered what appears to be a fair deal, but she's communicating that she doesn't want to accept it by turning it down," he says. But it seems she doesn't want to talk either. You express a very clear idea of ​​what you want, but what does your wife want? Do you know?

He had a technique he wanted to share: "We know some people really struggle with co-parenting after separation, but if they can remember the joy common sense of what brought them and their child together, so when negative comments or thoughts come in, perhaps those fond memories could be used to remind them that they need to communicate well for care and love of their child."

There is no doubt that both of you could benefit immensely from couples therapy to help you separate in the healthiest way possible. But whether your wife will go with you is, of course, another matter. I hope she does and that you can, with a little help, reunite in order to separate.