I'm constantly let down by friends - they never show the slightest glimmer of interest in me | Ask Annalisa Barbieri
I had lots of friends when I was younger, but for some reason I find friendships very difficult these days. I constantly feel disappointed. I feel like I'm always there for others and asking about their lives, but I never get anything in return. I've noticed that if I don't ask them questions, the conversation goes quiet.
My dad, for example, is old but still active. Whenever I'm with him, we only have a good time when I ask about him.
I saw a good friend of ours last week and I told her that my partner and I were going through some tough times. She put her arm around me - but didn't say or ask about it. I was stunned. When she was widowed, we spent endless hours talking about her situation and other things going on in her life. I wouldn't dare to compare the death of her partner with problems in a relationship, but I never really talk to her about me, precisely because she lost her husband and considered most of my problems to be trivial, but I just don't understand why there There was no reaction when I for once talked about myself.
After the unexpected death of my mother there A few years back, I was so disappointed in the people I considered good friends. I know everyone has their problems and I fully understand that the world doesn't revolve around me, but it seems incomprehensible.
I know it's my problem and I've been told my expectations are too high.
I just want a glimmer of interest from anyone. When I say things to people (not just negative things, because I barely talk about them), there's never a follow-up. I feel pathetic about all of this, but also very hurt.
You're not pathetic. You've given me many examples of friends who have let you down or who don't seem to care about you and it all sounds very difficult. But to try to find a solution for you, I want to go back to when things changed, to be younger and have lots of friends when it got harder. I wondered - and I may be barking up the wrong tree here - if this revolves around your mother's death. Maybe you felt like she was the only one listening to you?
Most people can relate to some of what you say : We all have friends who can be self-centered and non-questioning. Rarely is there a perfectly balanced friendship; we often “return” from different people to whom we have given. However, given that it's happening now with all your friends, I wonder if it's worth watching something that has changed in you.
I consulted psychotherapist Arabella Russell (bacp.co.uk) who wondered if you felt "really seen and heard as a child". She says "the extent of your hurt seems to be so deep" that we wondered if perhaps finding solace only from friends was a bigger ask than they can answer at the moment. Sometimes this chasm, created in childhood, only begins to be felt in adulthood, and sometimes it can happen after a significant loss. That's why I wondered when it started and if maybe your mother filled a need that no one is answering now. disappointing, but maybe you're trying to fill a void with your friends. It's an impossible question and can only lead to disappointment.
"Our friends should be interested in us and our 'things' should be important to them, but we also have to deal with our own emotions,” Russell explained. “Friends should provide us with something, but not everything; the resentment I see in you is a secondary emotion. I think the main one is really sadness.
Who told you your expectations were too high? Could you go back and ask them to clarify?
Your friends may feel that their help is not "really reaching" you and don't know what to do now. Do you have a friend from the previous period, when you found friendships easier and could you ask him if he feels that something has changed in you? It's always very interesting to know how. ..
I had lots of friends when I was younger, but for some reason I find friendships very difficult these days. I constantly feel disappointed. I feel like I'm always there for others and asking about their lives, but I never get anything in return. I've noticed that if I don't ask them questions, the conversation goes quiet.
My dad, for example, is old but still active. Whenever I'm with him, we only have a good time when I ask about him.
I saw a good friend of ours last week and I told her that my partner and I were going through some tough times. She put her arm around me - but didn't say or ask about it. I was stunned. When she was widowed, we spent endless hours talking about her situation and other things going on in her life. I wouldn't dare to compare the death of her partner with problems in a relationship, but I never really talk to her about me, precisely because she lost her husband and considered most of my problems to be trivial, but I just don't understand why there There was no reaction when I for once talked about myself.
After the unexpected death of my mother there A few years back, I was so disappointed in the people I considered good friends. I know everyone has their problems and I fully understand that the world doesn't revolve around me, but it seems incomprehensible.
I know it's my problem and I've been told my expectations are too high.
I just want a glimmer of interest from anyone. When I say things to people (not just negative things, because I barely talk about them), there's never a follow-up. I feel pathetic about all of this, but also very hurt.
You're not pathetic. You've given me many examples of friends who have let you down or who don't seem to care about you and it all sounds very difficult. But to try to find a solution for you, I want to go back to when things changed, to be younger and have lots of friends when it got harder. I wondered - and I may be barking up the wrong tree here - if this revolves around your mother's death. Maybe you felt like she was the only one listening to you?
Most people can relate to some of what you say : We all have friends who can be self-centered and non-questioning. Rarely is there a perfectly balanced friendship; we often “return” from different people to whom we have given. However, given that it's happening now with all your friends, I wonder if it's worth watching something that has changed in you.
I consulted psychotherapist Arabella Russell (bacp.co.uk) who wondered if you felt "really seen and heard as a child". She says "the extent of your hurt seems to be so deep" that we wondered if perhaps finding solace only from friends was a bigger ask than they can answer at the moment. Sometimes this chasm, created in childhood, only begins to be felt in adulthood, and sometimes it can happen after a significant loss. That's why I wondered when it started and if maybe your mother filled a need that no one is answering now. disappointing, but maybe you're trying to fill a void with your friends. It's an impossible question and can only lead to disappointment.
"Our friends should be interested in us and our 'things' should be important to them, but we also have to deal with our own emotions,” Russell explained. “Friends should provide us with something, but not everything; the resentment I see in you is a secondary emotion. I think the main one is really sadness.
Who told you your expectations were too high? Could you go back and ask them to clarify?
Your friends may feel that their help is not "really reaching" you and don't know what to do now. Do you have a friend from the previous period, when you found friendships easier and could you ask him if he feels that something has changed in you? It's always very interesting to know how. ..
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