My ex and I want to be together. Should we both break up with our partners? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I was married to a wonderful man for 30 years. We had a great relationship and shared many interests and a sense of humor. I had been sterilized before we met, so he figured we'd never have kids, which wasn't a problem.

During the six Last years of our marriage, we didn't have sex anymore as I had lost interest, but he assured me that it really wasn't a problem at all. However, an opportunity arose with a woman he met at work and they ended up having sex. They met while he was helping with personal issues while working on his house. She got pregnant. He felt he had to do the honorable thing and let me live with her and the baby.

They had two children. Before long, he realized she was mentally unstable, so he moved out. In the meantime, after he left, I met a man 16 years younger than me and we have been living together for three years. He's kind and loving, and we don't argue, but we don't do anything together - we don't eat together, watch TV together, share interests, and English is his second language, so joking isn't is not easy.< /p>

My ex-husband and I have always kept in touch, and recently we were talking to each other every day. He made it clear that he wanted to come back with me. We still love each other very much. I'm in such a dilemma on what to do. My current partner has done nothing wrong, but I can't say I really enjoy our relationship.

I wish I was back with my ex and I think he's really learned his lesson, but I'm worried about how it would work out with his two kids. They still live with their unstable mother, and even if there is access, she could make it very difficult for him. I also feel very guilty for asking my current partner to leave my house because he did nothing wrong.

My initial and primary concern is with the two kids, left with a woman your ex found so mentally unstable he had to leave. What's going on with them? Are they safe? Does he see them? They should be his priority and I hope they are.

I referred your problem to psychotherapist Jane Hetherington. We both thought you seemed rather detached. As Hetherington explained, sometimes people do this "when it's more comfortable to detach [from exploring difficult feelings]".

I wonder if you've ever allowed yourself to explore how you really felt after your marriage ended? As Hetherington puts it: “You are declaring that you and your husband don't care that you haven't had children together or that you haven't had sex for the past six years. I wonder if there was any real consideration of these two important issues in light of your husband's subsequent behavior. There seems to have been an absence of discussion or emotional exploration [on the part of] you two.

What lesson do you think your husband learned and do you think you will learn one too? As Hetherington puts it: "You idealized your relationship with your ex-husband and as you are now both unhappy you are looking for each other, but how realistic is that for future happiness?"

Then there is your current partner, someone with whom you seem to share very little. "The big advantage here seems to be that you don't argue," Hetherington says. "Still, you don't seem to be doing anything together. I wonder if you are afraid of being alone.

It's completely understandable to be afraid of being alone, but to justify being with the wrong person, it's a short road to a long road. period of misfortune. "It would be helpful," Hetherington says, "for you to develop more of a sense of self." I think you're right to be concerned - if your marriage fell apart the first time around without these challenges, I wonder how it would fare the second time around.

Hetherington underlines also: "If you were sterilized because you didn't want children, how will you feel if two children [who seem quite young] come and stay with you when they talk...