My ex-boyfriend accused me of pressuring him – am I a sexual plague?
I am a 24 year old female and recently had an eight week relationship with a 23 year old male. He ended the relationship, but a few days later we ran into each other drunk and he accused me of pushing him to have sex. I was horrified.
For the first few weeks we didn't have sex, but he slept in my bed: he hadn't had an STI test in a while and didn't want to take any risks. A few days later, we ordered sexual health kits. While we waited for the results, we kissed in bed. He said, "I wish I could be inside of you," and I said, "I'm literally naked and begging for it." It was the incident that he found pressurizing.
Later I found out that he identified as demisexual. I didn't know it at the time and thought the reason we didn't have sex was because of his STI fears. I find guilt very hard to overcome and wonder if I'm some kind of sexual parasite. How can I avoid doing this in the future and feel comfortable having sex?
I'm not surprised that you remained confused and anxious. Some people - especially those in the early stages of their sexual journey - are so complex and indecisive about their erotic style or orientation that they cannot comfortably communicate verbally or sexually with others. Others know what they want or don't want, and who they are sexually, but struggle to communicate it. It is always important for each partner to be clear and unambiguous about their own feelings and preferences and to treat the other with respect and compassion, without coercion. Unfortunately, it takes time to learn all of this, and the trial and error can be painful. Since this situation has already ended badly, it may be best for you not to engage with him again except to say (if you haven't already) something like, "I'm mortified. that you felt that I was putting pressure on you. I'm so sorry if I did anything to make you feel like this. Moving on, at any time in the future when you feel an uncomfortable or ambiguous vibe - especially from someone who seems unable to communicate verbally with you - however much you desire, respectfully step aside.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this article are pre-moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the author. Please note that there may be a short delay in posting comments on the site.
I am a 24 year old female and recently had an eight week relationship with a 23 year old male. He ended the relationship, but a few days later we ran into each other drunk and he accused me of pushing him to have sex. I was horrified.
For the first few weeks we didn't have sex, but he slept in my bed: he hadn't had an STI test in a while and didn't want to take any risks. A few days later, we ordered sexual health kits. While we waited for the results, we kissed in bed. He said, "I wish I could be inside of you," and I said, "I'm literally naked and begging for it." It was the incident that he found pressurizing.
Later I found out that he identified as demisexual. I didn't know it at the time and thought the reason we didn't have sex was because of his STI fears. I find guilt very hard to overcome and wonder if I'm some kind of sexual parasite. How can I avoid doing this in the future and feel comfortable having sex?
I'm not surprised that you remained confused and anxious. Some people - especially those in the early stages of their sexual journey - are so complex and indecisive about their erotic style or orientation that they cannot comfortably communicate verbally or sexually with others. Others know what they want or don't want, and who they are sexually, but struggle to communicate it. It is always important for each partner to be clear and unambiguous about their own feelings and preferences and to treat the other with respect and compassion, without coercion. Unfortunately, it takes time to learn all of this, and the trial and error can be painful. Since this situation has already ended badly, it may be best for you not to engage with him again except to say (if you haven't already) something like, "I'm mortified. that you felt that I was putting pressure on you. I'm so sorry if I did anything to make you feel like this. Moving on, at any time in the future when you feel an uncomfortable or ambiguous vibe - especially from someone who seems unable to communicate verbally with you - however much you desire, respectfully step aside.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this article are pre-moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the author. Please note that there may be a short delay in posting comments on the site.
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