My Ex Is With A New Man But I Still Love Him, And I Even Proposed | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I don't know how to describe the current state of my "relationship" with the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.

We are the same age (early 50s) and we met a few years ago; we lived close to each other, and while it was a wonderful relationship, we maintained a healthy distance that kept an intense flame from quickly dying out.

We talked about spending the rest of our lives together - but I never made that formal commitment (we're both divorced with kids).

At some point I had to quit my local job and take work out of town, something I regret not discussing with her. I was able to travel frequently to spend time together, but it took its toll, especially with the stress of my job.

As expected, when I was at rock bottom and our relationship started to struggle, she found someone else; he is much younger and ticks a lot of boxes. I couldn't blame her. He was there; I was not. I have now left this remote job, but have not been able to return to the same city, although I am more than willing to return for her. However, she is in this other relationship.

It's like so many other relationships that take a natural course - except not only do I still love her, but I think she loves me too: du less, she tells me. I even proposed.

She says that this other man is good and nice, and she can't think of a reason (besides me) to break up with him. He knows us and is very jealous. I think we're all waiting for someone else to give up first.

If they broke up tomorrow would I drop everything and come back in running ? Yes, although such things are always easier in movies than in real life. I would try, anyway. As she and I discussed, we have to have faith and hope that the universe has a plan - if it's meant to be, it will be…

I think you just don't know how to describe it. It looks messy. I understand that emotional situations can present us with great indecision, but it's like neither you nor your girlfriend knows how you got here. The reality is that you took a job away from home without really discussing it with her, and she started dating someone else. Plus, there's an innocent person involved - and children.

There was a push-pull narrative in your letter: the relationship was "wonderful" but you have kept a "distance"; you talked about spending your lives together but you never really committed. And then the best line of all: would you drop everything and run back if they broke up? Probably.

My first question is, did you break up when this happened? The situation you both found yourself in is more fantasy than reality, which UKCP-registered psychotherapist John-Paul Davies immediately noted. Davies wanted you to have some empathy for yourself: “If what you want is a long-term, committed relationship with someone, you don't get it here. Maybe that's why you put "relation" in quotes. What does it mean to you, on a day-to-day basis, that this woman is actually living her day in and day out with someone else? Davies also remarked that you expected things not to go well: "It's unpredictable for romantic partners to find someone else when someone is in trouble and at a low point. ."

We wondered where this expectation came from. Sometimes when we have old hurts, we are used to being hurt in a certain way. We don't recognize how bad our situation really is because it feels familiar, and we equate it with desirable. Sometimes when relationships get too real, we sabotage them (you leave, she introduces a new boyfriend), because then we can elevate them to an unreachable imagined state, where they can become anything we want. That's why p...