My in-laws won't accept my post-chemo vulnerability | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

Two years ago, at the age of 35, I was diagnosed with cancer and had to undergo major surgery and six months of chemotherapy.

I have a wonderful husband, and at the time my child was three years old. My diagnosis was a shock to everyone. The road has been difficult since then, physically and mentally. Some of my friendships are closer than before, others more relaxed. I also made new friends. However, I still have a hard time with my in-laws.

Things got very awkward during treatment: I felt I had to hide the outward signs about my side effects. It was much easier if I pretended to be fine.

We asked people who were visiting us or taking care of our child not to come if they were sick, and not to take our child to places where he would be susceptible to contracting a virus, because my immunity was reduced. Despite my husband's repeated requests, my in-laws kept doing these things and said we were hurting our child by not allowing him to be "normal".

I still struggle with breach of trust and disregard for my health. My husband and I tried to talk to them about it, but they always change the subject immediately and things get tense.

For a few months, although I'm happy for my husband and my child to see them, I chose not to. I feel less anxious this way, but I still feel guilty.

Is there a way to move forward with this relationship that doesn't involve me pretending to be part of my life didn't happen? And am I selfish for refusing visitation with this part of my family?

I'm so sorry for how hard the last few years have been for you. It all sounds incredibly difficult. Hope you are still doing well.

I went to UKCP (psychotherapy.org.uk) psychotherapist Ali Ross who has 10 years experience as a therapist in oncology and palliative care services. He said it was really smart for you to protect yourself during treatment and to "distinguish between selfishness and self-care". Even now, after treatment, it is completely normal for you to want to protect yourself from the people who made you feel so unsafe and unsupported.

Denial of events by your in-laws is something he sees a lot in his work. “It's usually when people haven't come to terms with their own mortality that they can't engage in conversations about death and pretend nothing happened. Maybe the thought of you being sick, maybe dying so young and leaving your child, might have been too much for them to handle. unfair. You have to deal with a serious illness, surgery and debilitating treatment, and your in-laws can't even talk about it.

Ross wonders how you tried to talk to your in-laws about it, maybe sensing their discomfort, you and your husband backed off pretty quickly. As you want to move forward, you may need to try again and work through the tension.

It can be difficult, and I wish you didn't have to be the proactive one, but you're no stranger to bravery. Ross recommended saying something like, "I'm really affected by this [both the cancer and their behavior] and it's important to me that you try to understand how vulnerable I felt/felt…". Explain to your in-laws that "it's really important that we talk about this and that this isn't glossed over". -role="richLink " data-spacefinder-type="model.dotcomrendering.pageElements.RichLinkBlockElement" class="dcr-1mfia18"/>

He added: "Be as honest and vulnerable as possible, and if you can't then your relationship with them will have to be much more limited. And here's the rub. If you try, and they still can't pick up the slack, that will determine how you go from there. You can't change them.

But, to give the best chance of success, pick a time when you obviously won't be interrupted and your child won't won't be around, so you can speak freely. If they change the subject, challenge them. "It's really important to me, to us, and I need you to s hear it."

I think your in-laws are poorer for not being able to have these conversations – but if they can't, you're perfectly fine. the right to protect yourself. My only note is: don't make them the scapegoats for all the bad things that have happened to you, and make sure...