My younger brother does nothing with his life. Is he depressed? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

My brother and I have a very close relationship and were blessed with a very happy childhood.

This is the baby of the family and graduated last year. Since then, he hasn't done much. Not getting the result he was hoping for in his degree, he said he wanted to take some time to relax before looking for a job. Summer passed and we all assumed he would start watching, but he never did.

It's starting to worry us. My brother has always done things: he was involved in a lot of societies and sports clubs at university. He was never lazy. But for some reason he's spent a year doing very little.

Family encouraged him to look for work - we send him roles that seem suitable and suggest less structured ways he could get back on his feet, but these suggestions get no response.

I question his motivation to work. He saved by working over the summer and lived with our parents through college - and still does - without being asked to pay rent or bills, so he's scraped together a tidy sum of money for paying for meals with friends, etc. He is still not invited to contribute at all. My siblings and I have suggested to our parents that we set a deadline after which he will have to pay rent, but I know they don't want to do this and are afraid it will hurt him.

When we are together, he seems happy and as usual, but this situation is not like him. I don't know how to help him, and I'm afraid that if we can't help him out of this lethargic limbo he's been in, it will do a lot of damage to his sanity.

How can I help my brother find a life for himself or at least open up about what's holding him back?

Is he worried? Nothing in your letter indicates that or that he's depressed, so maybe he's just enjoying a break from always "doing things". After all, graduation marks the end of nearly two decades of formal education. It wasn't until last year that he graduated, and the world has been turned upside down in the past couple of years. I think it's wonderful that he feels he can take a little time. I wonder if you've had that opportunity.

But you are worried enough to write, so I went to see psychotherapist Graham Music, author from the brilliant book Respark, which talks about how some people lose their way ("spark") or never find it.

We wondered if, because that he's your younger brother (and the "baby" of the family), we felt that he had always done things for him. We've noticed that you and your siblings have asked for a delay in billing the rent, but your parents don't seem concerned, so why do you all feel pressured to do so? "Maybe," Music said, "he still needs something from his parents." Maybe he still needs to feel cared for or have emotional support. And isn't that OK? He seems to have been quite motivated so far.

Incidentally, sometimes the youngest child does not feel able to move and "leave" his parents because everyone else has already fled the nest, so it's often more altruistic than it seems.

While no one wants a child who stays at home all day and does nothing, we also wondered if perhaps in your family, success is measured by specific achievements.

“Your brother,” Music said, “seems happy. Would you be happier if he was in a high job but not happy?

"There may be some things to worry about lurking underneath, and signs of this could be not eating, being very, very indoors, spending hours playing or being addicted to screens, or not leaving his room. something. But "not looking for a job" is not one of them. If there is emotional difficulty, the response should be sympathetic and curious. There should be room for difficult feelings. How does your family deal with difficult feelings in the past?

What rarely helps is just telling someone what to do - like you see - also i tempting as it may be. We are, as Music puts it, rarely “extrinsically motivated – it has to come from within ourselves. When you are allowed to "come into yourself", chances are you will...