Now that I've given birth, I'm afraid I'll never want to have sex again
I gave birth five months ago and still have very little interest in sex. More than that, when something approaches my vagina, I flinch. Everything should be very soft and slow – even then very little penetration is possible. My husband is a great lover and he's fine when I push him away (which happens a lot). I didn't think mine was a particularly traumatic birth, but maybe having IVF, followed by cupping, clamping, episiotomy was too much? I keep breastfeeding and sleeping together, so maybe that has something to do with it? Before, we had a good sex life; we each listened to what the other wanted and it was very pleasant. But after the birth, it took me a long time to let my husband touch me. Once he stroked me at 5am and my first reaction was to be furious. He understands and when I tell him it didn't make me happy, he thinks about it. My friend told me that I should "get back to it" because that's how a couple's sex life disappears. Half of me worries that I'll never be interested in intimacy again. The other half knows that my husband and I are fine: we love each other and are a brilliant couple together. Will my interest in sex naturally come back or is it something I need to work on?
Be kind to yourself. It's going to take a little longer to feel sexual desire and pleasure - and that's completely normal. Eventually, your hormones will be back on track, your body will be healed, and then the natural process of feeling like your old sexual self will begin. It would be a mistake to listen to your friend and try to force you to go through the steps. This course of action could actually be physically and emotionally damaging. It's never a good idea to bypass your feelings and have sex despite pain or lack of interest - it can cause more pain and even lead to sexual dysfunction. Either way, it seems like your husband is caring and compassionate to your needs during this natural adjustment period. Listen to the half of you who believe he will continue to be fine. You deserve patience and understanding during this time of healing, your husband deserves praise for his support...and your baby deserves your full attention.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist based in the United States, specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders. .
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this article are pre-moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the author. Please note that there may be a short delay in posting comments on the site.
I gave birth five months ago and still have very little interest in sex. More than that, when something approaches my vagina, I flinch. Everything should be very soft and slow – even then very little penetration is possible. My husband is a great lover and he's fine when I push him away (which happens a lot). I didn't think mine was a particularly traumatic birth, but maybe having IVF, followed by cupping, clamping, episiotomy was too much? I keep breastfeeding and sleeping together, so maybe that has something to do with it? Before, we had a good sex life; we each listened to what the other wanted and it was very pleasant. But after the birth, it took me a long time to let my husband touch me. Once he stroked me at 5am and my first reaction was to be furious. He understands and when I tell him it didn't make me happy, he thinks about it. My friend told me that I should "get back to it" because that's how a couple's sex life disappears. Half of me worries that I'll never be interested in intimacy again. The other half knows that my husband and I are fine: we love each other and are a brilliant couple together. Will my interest in sex naturally come back or is it something I need to work on?
Be kind to yourself. It's going to take a little longer to feel sexual desire and pleasure - and that's completely normal. Eventually, your hormones will be back on track, your body will be healed, and then the natural process of feeling like your old sexual self will begin. It would be a mistake to listen to your friend and try to force you to go through the steps. This course of action could actually be physically and emotionally damaging. It's never a good idea to bypass your feelings and have sex despite pain or lack of interest - it can cause more pain and even lead to sexual dysfunction. Either way, it seems like your husband is caring and compassionate to your needs during this natural adjustment period. Listen to the half of you who believe he will continue to be fine. You deserve patience and understanding during this time of healing, your husband deserves praise for his support...and your baby deserves your full attention.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist based in the United States, specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders. .
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this article are pre-moderated to ensure that the discussion stays on the topics raised by the author. Please note that there may be a short delay in posting comments on the site.
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