Why doesn't self-care and self-care make me feel better?

Most of us yearn for a life where we feel we have real choices about how we spend our time and energy. But we're mired in this pursuit - confused as to where exactly we're headed. Self-care has become an essential part of our lives. From juice cleanses to yoga workshops, we're sold refreshing solutions in pastel-colored packaging. It's fake self-care, but we feel guilty when they don't work. But we are not broken: the game is rigged against us.

Wellness research falls into two theories of how to live well: the approach hedonic and the eudemonic approach. Hedonic well-being focuses on states of feeling happy and pleased. In many ways, fake self-care—diets, cleanses, retreats, life hacks—are aligned with this, focusing on what feels good in the moment and escaping difficult situations. Don't get me wrong - we all need to get away from it all once in a while, and the ability to do so is a privilege. But eudemonic well-being, on the other hand, focuses on actions consistent with our values; it is the sense that our lives are imbued with purpose. Instead of prioritizing pleasure, it emphasizes personal growth, self-acceptance, and connection to meaning. It is linked to improved sleep, longer lifespan and lower levels of inflammation. All good things we seek, right?

Cultivating eudemonic well-being isn't easy. It looks different for everyone, because its realization depends on our personal beliefs and values. For some people, that means ditching fitness goals and spending weekends volunteering. For others, it may mean turning to a career aligned with their values. But what is similar for most individuals is that everyone does what matters to them and understands the meaning of how they spend their time. More than any wellness retreat, it's about true self-care.

The million dollar question, of course, is how to distinguish true self-care – the practices that lead us to eudaimonic well-being – from the coping mechanisms of false self-care. At its core, true self-care is ultimately about decision-making. You need to be assertive by prioritizing your own needs and wants. To do this, you must learn to say no and set limits. Balancing the needs of those close to you, such as your partner's preferences or the needs of your children, with your own. You must learn to stop being controlled by feelings of guilt, which are inevitable. The next step is to honestly examine what you need (and want) and give yourself permission to have it. It is a process of getting to know yourself, including your core values, beliefs and desires. It's an internal decision-making process that requires introspection, honesty, and perseverance.

You'll know you're really taking care of yourself when you'll feel like your exterior matches your interior. True self-care, in which you look within and make decisions from a place of thought and consideration, is an assertion of power. It is having the audacity to say: "I exist and I count."