When I think back to the years of raising my children, many things come to mind. I see things I did well and things I wish I had done better. I see a mixture of weakness, determination, hard work, immaturity, a sinful heart and a person growing and evolving into the person they are now.
When I look at photos of myself holding my babies, few things resemble the person I am now. Of course, there are physical differences: I now have gray hair, wrinkles, and a few extra pounds that I didn’t have in my 20s or 30s. But there is something else that is different. When I see pictures of myself in my younger years, I remember the way I thought and the attitudes I had, and I don’t really like being reminded of what was sometimes present in my heart. I also see a young woman who was very sincere, yet was sincerely wrong in some ways. I am grateful that He decided to use my husband and me in our children’s lives despite our weakness, but most of all, I am grateful for everything He has taught me over the years, for the ways He has changed me, and for His patience and grace that has been poured out every day.
We enter our parenting journey with fear, desires, and goals. Pervasive thoughts of all the things we want to accomplish or don’t want to do—things our parents may or may not have done—can sometimes overwhelm us. What I have learned is that if we truly want to be the parents God wants us to be, we must come to a place where we see the following truths:
We have DNA from our parents.
Not just their physical DNA but their spiritual DNA. Our culture encourages us to blame our parents for any weakness that arises in our lives. This means that if we find ourselves yelling at our children, getting angry, or reacting in sinful ways, we may blame our responses on our parents. After all, they weren’t good examples, were they? Even though they have not always set a good example, we must see that we have the same sinful impulse within us as our parents. It goes back even further than their existence. It goes back to the times when man decided to disobey God and sin entered the world.
“So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable for making one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.” Genesis 3:6
“Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, so death came to all men because all have sinned.” Romans 5:12
“Behold, I was born in iniquity, and my mother conceived me in sin.” Psalm 51:5
Our parents’ short temper or lack of patience came from a sinful heart that didn’t rely on God to respond in a gracious way, and that’s where ours comes from, too. If we are followers of Jesus, we have been given everything we need for life and godliness. We have been given everything we need to help us control our anger and impatience – but we must choose to access it. And when we fail, we fail because we have chosen to give in to our sinful reactions rather than react in Christ’s way.
“His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and goodness.” 2 Peter 1:3
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Our parents were not “extreme”.
When we evaluate our parents’ parenting, we might conclude that they were extreme in some way – either too lenient or too rigid. We think: “I will be different!” I will be balanced.”
Our parents entered their parenting journey with their own desires and goals. They had their own issues, history and experiences that they were sifting through. They learned and grew by raising their children, just as we learn and grow by raising ours. They were who they were with the personalities God gave them and the weaknesses they struggled with just as we are who we are with the personalities God gave us and the weaknesses we struggled with. Our measure of what we do or don’t do should always be God and His Word, not an imperfect person who is themselves in a lifelong process of growth. We are not called to be balanced; we are called to be like Christ.
“Be imitators of God, therefore, as beloved children. And walk in love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” Ephesians 5:12
“To put off your old self, which belongs to your old way of life and which is corrupted by deceitful desires, and to renew yourselves in the spirit of your understanding, and to put on the new self, created in the image of God in true righteousness and holiness.” Ephesians 4:22-24
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2
We must learn to see our parents with the eyes of grace.
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We must learn to see our parents with the eyes of grace, just as we want our children to see us with the eyes of grace. It’s easy to focus on our parents’ imperfections, isn’t it? The truth is that we will not be perfect parents no matter how hard we try. I would venture to say that over time we will see much of our parents’ personality and traits show up in our own lives in one way or another. How can we not see their features? We are their children. In the same way that we watch our little ones grow and can see traits similar to our own, our parents saw it in us as we grew up.
Can we choose to see the good in them and thank God for it? Can we remember sinners and remember that we are sinners too?
Yes, we can parent differently than them, but that will only happen if we rely on God to grow and mature. We can then see that it is not about how good WE are, but how good and merciful GOD is because He helps us fight the sin that is present in each of us.
“If you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the evil deeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:12-13
“You have been sanctified, you have been justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God. 1 Corinthians 6:11
“In times of temptation, the Holy Spirit graciously provides a means of escape.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
“The Holy Spirit must work in our hearts to prompt us to want to repent and bring us to Christ.” Colossians 2:13, John 6:44
When our children grow up…
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When our children grow up, we will look back and see how we failed them and how our weaknesses affected them. We will be tempted to think that we have failed as parents. Let me encourage you! God uses us and works through us despite our weaknesses, and God will continue to work in us and in our children. We can help our children take responsibility for their inadequacies and failures by taking responsibility for our own. They can learn to see us as growing and learning human beings if we tell them we are in a growing and learning process and apologize for missing the mark. We are partners with God when we raise our children. He uses broken vessels – but ultimately it is He who does the work and accomplishes His purposes. We are not capable of it.
“But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7
“For it is God who works in you to will and to work for his good pleasure.” Philippians 2:13
We’re all messed up, people! Being able to see this is what will help us parent with a heart of humility rather than a heart full of pride. The heart that knows the sin of which it is capable is the heart that can see others with the eyes of grace. The heart that blames its weaknesses and sins on its parents is the heart that will parent with a motivation of fear or pride because it will always be focused on one person.
Satan wants us to focus on our parents’ weaknesses.
Satan wants us to focus on our parents’ weaknesses and view them as irremediable. He wants to take advantage of everything he can dig up and remind us of anything that might cause us to focus on another person’s imperfections in order to take our eyes off the Only One who can truly make a difference in our lives and the lives of our children. He wants us to be washed clean of the lies in our culture that tell us that our parents are responsible for everything that is wrong in our lives, and he wants to drown out the truth that is found in God’s Word. He wants to break up families by any means possible.
Of course, there are situations in which abuse has been experienced in one way or another. The impact is far-reaching and can continue to reverberate over the years as we raise our own children. If this is your experience, it doesn’t have to be your children’s. You know how much this affected you; you know the pain you carry because of this, and God is greater than anything you have experienced. He can take even your worst experiences and redeem them. By immersing yourself in God’s Word, getting to know your Heavenly Father, and pleading for His help, you can experience slow healing and learn to imitate the one and only perfect parent: God our Father.
God is faithful!
As I reflect on the years of raising my children, I remember times when I was focused on my parents’ imperfections and the pride and the fear that overwhelmed me in those moments. But, thank God, I also remember that turning point when God opened my eyes, placed His hand on my chin, and gently turned my face toward Him. It was then that I finally got to know him better, allowing his character to shine through me. This is what broke the chains of pride and fear, bringing to light the distorted view I had of e my parents, allowing me to see them with the eyes of grace. God patiently helped me see what was in my heart and continues the lifelong work of conforming me to the image of His Son.
And He can do the same for you.
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