Today’s parents try to raise their children to achieve good grades, perfect behavior and high achievements. We want them to succeed and be able to meet life’s challenges. But research shows that confidence and resilience come from a child’s ability to feel safe and fully themselves.
In my work studying more than 200 children and as a mother, I have discovered that behind the problems of defiance and behavior, there is almost always a child who does not feel comfortable expressing what he feels and what he needs.
In other words, how safe your child feels with you today shapes who he or she will become as an adult. Here are six ways to shape that security from the start.
1. Stop rushing your child through their feelingsMost parents act quickly to calm or repair the situation. When a child cries, we can say, “You’re okay.” When they are angry, we tell them “calm down.” When overwhelmed, we look for the quickest way out of the moment.
As a result, children learn to disconnect from themselves faster and faster. What they really need is a parent who can stay with them longer than they feel comfortable with.
Resist the urge to fill the silence. Instead, try: “I see you’re really upset. I am here. Take all the time you need. » This simple act of staying teaches a child that their emotions can survive and be safe.
2. Let your child define his or her own inner worldParents constantly overrule their children: “You can’t be hungry, you just ate.” “You slept early. How can you still be tired?” “She’s your friend. You don’t hate her.”
Although well-intentioned, these phrases teach a child not to trust how they feel and to let someone else define their inner experience.
Research on emotional validation shows that children whose feelings are constantly ignored become adults who have difficulty trusting their own judgment.
Instead, ask yourself: “How do you feel?” » or “What do you think?” So stop talking and let them own their own experience.
3. Know the difference between a child who thrives and a child who adaptsSome of the most well-behaved children are also the least emotionally secure.
They learned, often early on, that keeping the peace protects the connection and that being easy to deal with keeps the love intact. So they comply and try to give you what you need.
But the child who pushes back and openly expresses frustration is often the one who feels the most emotionally secure.
4. Stop Evaluating Your Child and Start Noticing HimPhrases like “good job” or “that was disappointing” may seem harmless, but they can send the wrong message that children are always being measured.
Instead of evaluating, describe what you see and be curious about how they feel. Instead of “good job,” try “I noticed how hard you worked on this.” Instead of “stop being mean,” try “what emotions are you feeling right now?” »
Moving from judgment to genuine curiosity creates safety.
5. Not everything needs an answerThe urge to overexplain or overcorrect often comes from a feeling of love. But when every emotion or behavior gets an immediate reaction, your child never has the space to process his or her emotions. They learn to look outside for answers and, over time, stop hearing their own thoughts.
Resist the urge to guide every moment and try to be present without an agenda.
6. Do your own emotional laborTeaching emotional safety must be authentic. Children can sense the difference between a parent who demonstrates calm and one who has actually done the work to achieve it.
Be curious about your own reactions. When a moment feels intensely triggering, ask, “Why does this feel so important right now?” This question alone begins to interrupt the pattern.
Before responding to my child in a difficult moment, I often take a breath and ask myself, “What feelings am I really responding to right now?” Mine or theirs?
Reem Raouda is a leading voice on mindful parenting and the creator of BOUND and FOUNDATIONS magazines, now offered together as Emotional Safety Pack. She is widely recognized for her expertise in children’s emotional well-being and for redefining what it means to raise emotionally healthy children. Find it on Instagram.
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