Over the past 25 years of ministry, I have been involved in several issues involving conflict within the Church. Some of them went well; some were not. However, during all of this, I was able to analyze and discuss how I could do something better. When I leave these situations, it is tempting for me to want to pretend I am right or believe as if I am innocent in the situation.
However, being unable to move forward with a spiritually stuck person, saying things in an angrier tone than I should, or being exasperated by the actions and behaviors of others, I know that I must take responsibility for taking even a small part of the responsibility for the conflict.
Recently, I attended a training session that my church’s denomination offers its official employees. During this training, we read Bible verses and scenarios on better conflict resolution. When I left training, I was able to see some things I could do better when it came to conflict. Here’s how I learned to be a peacemaker:
Take responsibility
The first thing I learned during the training was that it was vital to take responsibility for my part in the conflict. Even if I was right in the first place in handling the situation, even if a harsh tone or word was not spoken lovingly, it would be my contribution to the conflict. I have learned to take 100 percent ownership of even the small part I have in the conflict.
During a conflict, I must start by taking my part in it. This means being specific about my mistakes or faults in the conflict. This requires great humility. If I want to be like Jesus, I have to humble myself and admit that I haven’t handled everything exactly the way I should.
To be a peacemaker, I must accept even a small part of my conflict. Addressing someone in an accusatory tone will not help resolve the dispute. Admitting that I could have handled things differently will help level the playing field and help the other person feel validated in their response. Starting with an apology will also help soften the heart of the person you are trying to reconcile with.
Fully confess
One of the best things I learned throughout the training is that I must fully confess my sins to another person. They explained that some people like to “come to light.” In other words, generic blanket apologies do not constitute a full admission. For example, I can’t go up to someone and say, “I’m sorry for the way I hurt you” without specifying how I hurt you.
If I am not aware of how I have specifically hurt someone, I need to ask for revelation from the Holy Spirit to tell me exactly how I have broken my brother or sister in Christ. Scripture says we must confess our sins to one another. I need to confess my sins to myself so that we can become better people and repair our relationships. However, my pride embarrasses me sometimes, and I resist fully admitting it to keep my reputation intact. However, God is glorified when we humble ourselves and admit that we made a mistake in a situation where we could have handled it very differently. Admitting my sins, analyzing my life, recognizing my fault and confessing it fully are some of the ways I can be someone who confesses fully to others.
Write a letter
In some cases where reconciliation is difficult to achieve, I may find it difficult to have a face-to-face meeting. This may be because the person may become defensive, lash out with anger, or interrupt the situation in a way that causes confusion and heightened emotions rather than peace and unity. In these cases, it might be best for me to write a letter to that person so that I can express whatever I need to say in a way that honors God and doesn’t allow my emotions to get the best of me.
To achieve peace in this situation, I must honor them with the positive aspects of their personality that I agree with. Next, I must fully admit my role in the conflict. Then, once all of this is out in the open, I can express how hurt I was throughout the entire situation. I write the letter without expecting a response or unified behavior to keep the peace. Instead, I understand that being a peacemaker does not always mean I receive peace. Instead, I must do my best to make peace in every situation.
Recognize the need
Behind every request there is a deep, secret need that must be satisfied in the soul. The three biggest needs are acceptance, significance and security. Acceptance is wanting others to validate our feelings and make us feel whole. Meaning is the desire for our lives to impact others.
This can be achieved through accomplishments, possessions, or other things that define us by things other than God. Safety is when we feel insecure about our safety, whether with people or in a situation. We seek safety wherever we can. Sometimes when there is conflict, our deepest need is to find someone to protect and care for us. However, it manifests in a way that pushes people apart rather than bringing them together.
The next time I am in conflict, I will need to analyze my needs in this situation. One of my deepest needs is security. I want people to feel protected and I feel the need to protect others. In doing so, I often react out of anger or fear rather than the peace and unity present through the presence of the Holy Spirit.
Knowing these needs and understanding what another person might need in this situation is essential. Although it is not our job to meet the needs of others, it is important to point them to the Holy Spirit, who will meet all their needs through Christ Jesus. Pointing this out to someone else might help them recognize this need and allow them to end the conflict so they can interact healthily with others.
Breaking Ties
In some cases, peace cannot be achieved. Even though I have to try to be at peace with everyone, I know it’s impossible. This is because peace among others involves trust. When a relationship is broken, it is essential to confess sins and allow people to come to reconciliation and repentance. A person who is unrepentant about their behavior is not expressing true sadness.
When they don’t express sincere regret and it’s not easy to have a relationship with someone, this trust will prohibit them from fully committing to it. In these cases, it is essential to break ties because this person will not be a good fit for them and their life. This will only hurt them repeatedly, and that’s not a good idea. Although God is the God of reconciliation, sometimes serious disagreements get in the way of peace.
Being a peacemaker is not easy. However, we are called to be peacemakers in situations that glorify God. We can achieve peace and unity in our lives, and the Church can be the unified body of Christ, which is to reflect the glory of God before His coming.
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