Parents today ask their children a lot of questions. And usually for the right reasons: they want to be respectful and collaborative.
I hear them asking for buy-in for daily decisions (“What would you like for dinner?”), disguising their frustration with questions (“How many times do I have to tell you?”), or negotiating when a clear boundary would work better (“How about we take your bath first, then watch another show?”).
Questions can absolutely help build connections and encourage thinking, but they often backfire by creating confusion and unnecessary power struggles.
I have worked with over 5,000 families as a preschool teacher, professor, and child development specialist. The surprisingly simple rule that I come back to again and again is: say what you mean.
When questions aren’t really questionsChildren don’t have the experience or emotional maturity to weigh in on every decision or determine what happens next. They need clear and confident leadership.
This is why rhetorical “why” questions often only increase shame or defensiveness. A more effective approach is to identify what you want to say and communicate it simply and directly:
Instead of: “Why do I have to ask you so many times?!”To try: “I repeat myself a lot. I know it’s frustrating for both of us. Right now, it’s time to put on some shoes and go.”Instead of: “Why do you always do this?!”To try: “I notice this has become a trend. It’s something we’re going to work on together.”Do you see the difference? One approach exacerbates shame and defensiveness. The other invites teamwork, reflection and problem solving.
The “Say What You Mean” PrincipleOne of my core parenting principles is what I call the “Say What You Mean” Principle. Before reacting, ask yourself: What am I really trying to communicate?
So say it:
Instead of: “Why did you hit your brother?!”To try: “You can’t hit your brother. Even when you’re angry, no hitting. How can you show him you’re upset in another way?”Instead of: “Why is your room messy?”To try: “I see a lot of things on the floor that don’t belong there. Let’s clean it up together.”Children need guidance more than questioning, and clarity is often much more effective than questioning.
Simple tasks don’t have to be questionsAnother common pitfall is turning simple instructions into questions. Parents often say things like “Can you please put on your shoes?” or “After this show, it’s bedtime, okay?”
The parents try to appear respectful and gentle, which I understand. But when non-negotiable tasks are presented as questions, children may become confused as to whether the task is truly optional. After all, You request.
This opens the door to unnecessary power struggles and a child who may interpret everything as being up for negotiation.
Instead, try calm, direct statements:
“Put on some shoes, please.” We are leaving. »”Dinner is ready. Please wash your hands.”“It’s time to go to bed.”Clear leadership often helps children feel calmer and more cooperative.
Use questions to empower, not controlQuestions are incredibly valuable when they help children think, problem-solve, express themselves, and develop confidence and self-awareness. These are the conversations we want more of.
Children don’t need endless questions to feel respected. By asking fewer questions, we become more intentional about when leadership is needed, when collaboration is appropriate, and when your child simply needs clarity rather than negotiation.
Over time, these small changes in communication can create huge changes in your home.
Siggie Cohen is a child development specialist and author of the new book “You are the parent”She graduated from Pepperdine University with a master’s degree in education and psychology and from Northcentral University with a doctorate in philosophy. She is the mother of three adult sons and currently lives in the Bay Area, where she maintains a private practice.
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