3 Ways to Stop Unfair Criticism in a Relationship

Pete and Annette had entered into a constant battle in their relationship and they knew they had to stop the unfair criticism but didn't know how.

Pete criticized Annette for the way she “pampered” and “spoiled” his 3 adult children, especially when it came to finances.

Annette criticized Pete for being a "workaholic" and that it seemed like his computer was stuck to him like glue, not only in the evenings but also on weekends and holidays.< /p>

She couldn't remember the last time they dated or hung out watching a movie on the couch.

But with the sharp, cutting words coming and going, neither of them wants to spend more time together than they have to.

Annette had reached a breaking point and reached out to us to ask if their marriage could be saved because of the unfair criticism that now seemed to be the norm.

As we spoke, Annette got several glimpses of their particular "critical dance" and here are some of the things she learned that might help you if you get caught up in a similar situation...

1. Get out of the "criticism dance"

As long as you have the same reactions over and over again, you'll get the same results, and that's not what you want.

Annette found that her reaction when Pete started talking about the money she was giving her kids was always the same…

She hunkered down and defended herself and her children.

It occurred to her that she didn't have to defend anyone or anything because the money she was giving them was from her parents' trust and she had the final say on how it was spent.

She also realized that her criticizing Pete for not being present with her and attentive didn't bring him closer.

2. Listen to the truth

When you're so caught up in defending or withdrawing and retightening when criticism hits you, you can't really listen to find any possible truth in what's being said.

Annette realized that she had cut her attention to Pete because she resented the unfair criticism.

The next time he started complaining about his children and the money she gave them, she listened to the truth.

As she listened with "new ears", she heard for the first time the concern he had that Annette's youngest daughter would not learn to fend for herself because of the money. was so generously given.

Annette realized that she may have gone too far in allowing her daughter, seeing her unable to care for herself, and that's not what she wanted.< /p>

3. Focus on what you want in your relationship

When you're mired in a battle of unfair criticism, the focus is on standing up for yourself and what you perceive is wrong with the other person.

You're pointing blame outward when there's no need to point fingers at all.

When Annette backed out of their "criticism dance" and acknowledged that Pete may have been right that she was allowing her younger daughter, Pete calmed down.

When his attention wasn't focused on making Annette see what she had been missing, there was room for him to realize a few things himself.

He started to see how he had spent his time and could make a choice if he wanted to keep working so hard and isolate himself or not.

They both started making healthier choices for their relationship when they weren't focused on what each of them was doing wrong.

And you?

If unfair criticism is eating away at you and your relationship, there's no need.

You can give yourself the space to see something new, which can mean making healthier choices for yourself.

You can see the truth of a relationship and not want it to continue in its current form…

Or you can see how stepping back from the "criticism dance" begins a path of creating the relationship you've wanted.

Contact us here if you would like to chat with one of us to help you get out of your critical dance…