One of the most personal decisions a couple makes is how they choose to raise their children, and some parents may be protective of their chosen style. Parents adopt or reject parenting techniques based on their own childhood experiences. As a result, there are trends in parenting styles. A current parenting trend that many Christian parents are considering is gentle parenting. According to the Cleveland Clinic, “Instead of focusing on punishment and reward, gentle parenting focuses on improving the child’s self-awareness and understanding of their own behavior.” Features of this parenting method include, but are not limited to:
- Talking to a child at eye level
- Never raise your voice
- Using empathy to understand why a child behaved
- Discuss a child’s behavior with them, so they understand why they did an action
- Set limits to avoid unwanted behavior
This method particularly appeals to parents who want to avoid harshness, break unhealthy family patterns, or respond differently to painful childhood experiences. This can be a tempting model for Christian parents because it models values such as gentleness, patience and lovewhich are Fruits of the Spirit and Christ-like virtues. However, we should examine each parenting style to see whether it falls within a biblical or realistic model. We also recognize that we live in a fallen world and that no parent will respond with perfect patience at all times. For Christian parents, the question is not whether all gentle parenting techniques are bad, but whether our parenting is shaped by Scripture, love, wisdom, discipline, and evangelical understanding of the human heart.
Key Points
- Gentle parenting may reflect biblical virtues such as patience, empathy, and gentleness, but it must nonetheless be evaluated through Scripture.
- The Christian concern is not gentleness itself, but any parenting philosophy that overlooks sin, correction, boundaries and discipleship.
- Biblical discipline should never be motivated by anger, fear, humiliation, or abuse, but by love, wisdom, and self-control.
- Parents can use prayer, guidance, and each child’s personality to discern the most effective and faithful form of discipline.
- Christian parents must combine gentleness and discipline while directing children toward the love, truth, and grace of God.
Is Gentle Parenting Biblical for Christian Parents?
There are aspects of gentle parenting that are appealing. A child should not be punished with anger, but with temperance and patience. Talking about feelings with a child can help increase their emotional intelligence and help parents connect better with their child. But one of the problems with gentle parenting, from the worldly Christian perspective, is that it does not view children who sin as part of a rebellious nature that is the product of a fallen world. The method assumes that children can be induced to behave well because people are inherently good and rational; this fundamental assumption contradicts the Bible.
“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. » – 1 John 1:8
The problem with gentle parenting, from a Christian perspective, is not the choice of techniques, but the assumption that a child can be reasoned with because he or she is inherently good rather than subject to rebellion like any other person. In fact, the Bible says, “Even a child becomes known by his deeds, by the purity and uprightness of his conduct” (Proverbs 20:11).
Should Christian parents use corporal punishment?
Many believers quote the verse: “He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him strives to discipline him” (Proverbs 13:24)and asserts that corporal punishmentsuch as spanking or other traditional forms like downtime, is necessary to help shape children’s character. Unfortunately, this verse has also been used to justify abuse. Some Christians disagree about corporal punishment, but no discipline should ever be motivated by anger, fear, humiliation, or loss of control. Parents should take the real risk of harm seriously and seek advice before using any disciplinary method that could harm or frighten a child. Christians who use this style should not pretend that there is no abuse. Any form of education can become abusive when done for the wrong reasons or because someone does not know God and is dead in their sins.
Parents should not hit as an act of anger or rage, and some parents should know their own sinful nature well enough to recognize that they cannot spank a child with appropriate patience and temperance. Many parents raised godly children who grew into godly adults without resorting to corporal punishment. It is possible to raise children without disciplining them physically, but it is not possible to raise a child biblically without any discipline.
“Madness is bound to the child’s heart, but the rod of discipline keeps it away from him. » – Proverbs 22:15
Just as many spoiled and ungodly children come from overindulgent “soft” parents as from those who spank.
How can Christian parents choose a method of discipline wisely?
To determine which style of discipline to use, consider the following:
1. Pray about how God wants you to raise your children.
Many people talk to each other and receive advice from their parents, books and friends. Getting advice from others is good, but as Christians it is important to turn to God first, for wisdom in all things.
2. Recognize if you are prone to overly emotional reactions or anger.
When the Bible speaks of sparing not the rod, lest the child become spoiled, it does not mean inflicting corporal punishment on an angry child, or to the point of inflicting actual physical harm. This means controlled and thoughtful discipline.
3. As your child grows, learn what style of discipline is best for each child.
What works for one family may not work for another, and what works for one child may not be effective for another. This may be different between boys and girls, or between a more hyper child and a gentler child. Trying to apply universal discipline could lead to being overly lenient toward one personality type or failing to communicate to a child why they are being disciplined.
An example what happens in real life is that studies now show that schools are designed to facilitate learning for girls, but not boys, who need more opportunities to be active and tend to learn more by doing than by reading or memorizing. If a parent chooses to parent or discipline in only one way, they may not effectively help their child learn the difference between right and wrong. Lack of proper discipline for a child can mean that the child will never understand his or her own faults and sins and will develop a haughty spirit. Conversely, they may excessively discipline another child, leading to resentment and hostility.
4. Remember that your children have a sinful nature and the Bible says they need to be disciplined.
One of the fundamental principles of gentle parenting is getting down to their level, explaining to them why they exhibited unwanted behavior without condemnation, and asking them questions. “Why didn’t you tie your shoes? Don’t you want to tie your shoes? Is it more fun to play with your stuffed animals than to tie your shoes?” Sometimes children disobey or do something wrong because they live in a fallen world, and for no other reason. Assuming that you can always reason with a child is a denial of the reality of the world. It can also lead to raising the child to a place where they assume they are on equal footing with their parents than they should be in a biblical home.
When in doubt, it is important to exercise caution and avoid abusing or indulging a child. An effective disciplinary style should be implemented, but gentle techniques can be used to make punishment a real learning experience. Use prayer, the wisdom of others, and the child’s personality to decide how to discipline.
Bible Verses About Parenting and Discipline
Bible verses that provide advice on parenting include:
- “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and speak of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise” (Deuteronomy 6:7).
- “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Proverbs 22:6).
- “Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die” (Proverbs 23:13).
- “The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to his own devices shames his mother” (Proverbs 29:15).
- “Be therefore imitators of God, as beloved children” (Ephesians 5:1).
- “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
- “All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness” (2 Timothy 3:16).
- “For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it” (Hebrews 12:11).
How can parents practice both gentleness and biblical discipline?
More important than the type of discipline, or lack thereof, that a parent chooses to use is the decision to raise them to know God. If you love God, try to imitate that love and teach them how much Jesus loves them, then parents take the right steps. Ultimately, all children grow up and will have to make their own mistakes and maintain their own relationship with God. Gentle parenting includes principles such as patient parenting and talking about the child’s feelings, which can fit into the model of biblical parenting. But the overall ethos could create problems in the future because it does not recognize the sinful nature of the child , instead assuming that his behavior is solely the result of not understanding his feelings or a fully developed prefrontal cortex.
The Bible makes it clear that all men are born with a sinful nature, which can only be remedied through a relationship with Jesus Christ. God, our loving Father, disciplines His children, and showing our children God’s love for us is an important part of their education.
Frequently Asked Questions About Gentle Parenting and the Bible
- Is gentle parenting biblical?
Some gentle parenting techniques, such as patience, empathy, calm correction, and emotional awareness, can align with biblical wisdom. However, Christian parents should also remember that Scripture teaches the reality of sin and the need for loving discipline. - What is wrong with gentle parenting in a Christian worldview?
The problem is not gentleness per se, but any parenting philosophy that assumes that children only need explanations rather than training, correction, limits, and limits. discipleship. - Does the Bible require parents to spank their children?
Christians interpret Proverbs’ passages about “the rod” differently, but Scripture clearly calls parents to discipline, teach, train, and correct their children without anger, cruelty, or abuse. - Can Christian parents discipline without corporal punishment?
Yes. Many Christian parents use non-physical methods of discipline while providing consistent correction, clear boundaries, consequences, instructions and discipleship. - How can parents avoid being too harsh or too permissive? sive?
Parents can pray for wisdom, seek counsel, consider the needs of each child, remain consistent, avoid disciplining in anger, and remember that biblical discipline should train a child rather than humiliate or harm him.
To go further
- Why parents should be wary of gentle parenting
- How to Discipline with Grace and Natural Consequences
- How to Walk the Line Between Grace and Discipline as a Parent
- Should Christian parents spank their children?
- How to Discipline Your Children Without Discouraging Them
Sources
Dobson, James. The Parental Collection of Dr. James Dobson. Carol Stream: Tyndale House Publishers, 2011.
Ockwell-Smith, Sarah. Gentle discipline using emotional connection – not punishment – to raise confident, capable children. New York: Penguin Random House LLC, 2017.
McDowell, Josh. Be free to choose the right one. Uhrichsville: Éditions Barbour, 2018.
Tripp, Paul David. Parenting – 14 Gospel Principles That Can Dramatically Change Your Family. Wheaton: Crossway, 2016.
https://health.clevelandclinic.org/what-is-gentle-parenting
Photo credit: ©Getty Images/digitalskillet
Béthanie Verrett is a freelance writer who uses her passion for God, reading and writing to glorify God. She and her husband lived all over the country serving their Lord and Savior in ministry. She has a blog at graceandgrowing.com.
