Meet like a monk

"We're not here to impress each other. We're here to connect.'

Ten years ago, when I was 25, I hadn't been on a date - or even considered the possibility of a romance - for over three years. During this time I had served as a Hindu monk, meditating, studying ancient scriptures, traveling and serving across India and Europe with my fellow monks.

Monks are notoriously celibate, but celibacy doesn't just mean you don't have sex. It means that you don't interact with other people in a way that could be considered romantic. The Sanskrit word for monk, brahmacharyi, means "the right use of energy".

It's not that romance and sexual energy are bad. But my practice teaches that we all have a finite amount of energy, which can be directed in many directions or just one. When energy is dispersed it is difficult to create momentum or impact.

As monks we have been trained to direct our energy towards understanding our psyche, how we see the world and interact with it. If you haven't developed a deep understanding of your motivations and obstacles, it's harder to move through life with patience and compassion.

We've tried to avoid anything that could distract us from this mission of self-realization, whether it's video games, evenings with friends or meetings. When I came back to London as a monk, an old friend of mine said to me, “Before, we were each other's wingman. But you don't drink anymore. You don't flirt with girls. Now what are we going to do?"

Becoming a monk profoundly changed my goal. During my studies in London, I had devoted so much time to a girlfriend far away that I missed most of my classes. Being single allowed me to use that time and space to understand myself and develop the ability to still my mind.

I thought I would be a monk forever, but decided that was no longer the path for me. When I left the ashram for good, I hadn't watched TV , seen a movie or listened to music for three years. I had no idea who had won the World Cup or who was the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom. And, apparently, I had no idea how to impress a woman .

I had forgotten that I shouldn't even try to impress a woman. A few months out of the ashram, I was already back to societal standards. romance, trying to make the best first impression - and failing. something vegan on the menu? said my date.

We were at Locanda Locatelli, one of the best restaurants in London, but as a vegan she seemed more worried than excited.

< p class="css-at9mc1 evys1bk0">"They're famous for their fresh pasta," I said trying to sound optimistic, but I had signed us up for a tasting menu special and I didn't know what choice she would have.

"Fresh pasta usually contains eggs," she said, "but we'll see."

Radhi and I had volunteered together to organize a charity event. She thought people should be thrilled to attend the moment they left the tube station, so we arranged for a street performer to play his trash drum near the exit next to a sign for our event. Radhi had been the heartbeat of our team and I already knew I loved him. Once the event was organized, I started planning this date, booking the restaurant a month in advance.

I had little money — I was teaching students — and I had taken her to see "Wicked" before dinner. The night was going to cost me almost a week's income, and I wanted it to be perfect.

When we slipped into a buttery leather cabin, I grimaced; vegans are not known to appreciate leather cabins. But the lights were dim, the atmosphere beautiful, and I still hoped to hear how impressed she was.

"The service is amazing, isn't it ?" I said. "And that pasta - "

She smiled politely, but she wasn't eating much.

After the dinner, I took her home and dropped her off outside her apartment. She thanked me and said goodbye in a friendly way, but the evening had fallen flat. Clearly, I had no idea what I was doing.

I had joined the monks because I wanted to find my...