Dirt, dead skin, dust mites 10m: it might be time to clean your mattress – here's how

Name: The mattress.

Age: The oldest mattress is said to be 77,000 years old. It was discovered in South Africa and was made up of reeds and rushes.

Appearance: Covered in dirt and dead skin and possibly sheltering up to 10m of dust mites.

Well, I guess if it's 77,000 years old, you'd expect a little wear and tear. No, these are modern mattresses. We should clean them every six months to deal with dirt buildup and discourage dust mites, according to Australian bedding brand Bed Threads. How often do you clean yours?

Never, of course. How the hell would you clean a mattress? I'm glad you asked. According to an Australian TikTok influencer…

No, I'm stopping you there. Don't make me watch another cleaning TikTok. They are all so cheerful! No one should be this happy with baking soda. Go on, this short mama_mila is the perfect introduction for newbies to mattress cleaning like you.

Can't you sum it up for me? Good. Well, you strip the bed, vacuum it, sprinkle it with baking soda mixed with an essential oil, let it sit for several hours, then vacuum it again - and, voila, good as new. The high energy Italian house soundtrack is optional.

I knew the hand of Big Baking Soda would be there somewhere. Really, baking soda is the answer to everything these days. There's even a TikTok baking soda "hack" to stop the tasting of, well, booze.

We've come a long way since the school science project volcanoes. But, as no-fuss housework guru and bonkbuster author Shirley Conran would have said, surely life is too short to weld a mattress? Not for allergy sufferers: dust mites are a very common allergen. Shall I show you a picture of the mite?

Don't you dare. OK, but they exacerbate the symptoms of asthma and eczema sufferers and look very sinister.

Pfff. Cleanfluencers keep finding new ways to shame us for our rudeness. It's like when magazines go to war against wrinkled knees, discolored armpits and "clawed hands". Or maybe you're actually disgusting?

Rude. Is there an alternative to this rigamarole? Well, research from 1988 found that turning on an electric blanket during the day cut the number of dust mites in mattresses in half.

By 2022 , only Roman Abramovich can afford this luxury. If you spend eight hours in bed with the blanket on, that would probably be more economical than using central heating. aluminum foil behind your radiator to retain heat. Meh, I'm on TikTok time, so I've moved on. When was the last time you cleaned your shower curtain and toothbrush holder?

Say, "Baking soda is so versatile!"

Don't say, "Where can I find 77,000-year-old reeds?"