Empathy and allowing yourself to say no shouldn't be status-based

Tags: boundaries with family, empathy, empathy in relationships, estrangement, family secrets, rejection, The joy of saying no

If you think you have to love someone to empathize with it, your version of "empathy", acknowledging others, comes from your sense of whether you love and enjoy them. This is a status judgment. Part of you, on some level, wonders if you consider someone worthy of empathy. As a result, you will have difficulties not only with your interpersonal relationships, but also with your relationship with yourself.

I recently watched the documentary Harry and Meghan. Although I have little interest in the royal family or the couple, I felt for them. Most of us can barely cope with a lousy comment on our social media or from our family! Harry and Meghan serve as very public evidence of our societal unease with family estrangement and limitations. I also recognize that, like many families, the Royals are set in their ways and operate according to their status and traditions.

Many families behave dysfunctionally and think it's for the good of "everyone". To be clear, this is not the case. Of course, some people benefit, ie those with higher status, but others don't. Perhaps the family tradition is to aspire, not to complain, and to keep secrets. These are pretty big (and inappropriate) demands that are detrimental to our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. No one, even the family, has a right to your inner peace. Also, just because other family members have toed the line before doesn't mean everyone should. That's not to say that family functioning isn't an issue.

Family problems and drama exist and persist due to a false sense of obligation and a lack of empathy. However, sticking to family dysfunction isn't a requirement.

When we deny empathy for others, we also deny it for ourselves.

It's also safe to say that we like and dislike people for logical, respectful, and absurd and even abusive reasons. That's why we wonder why someone we don't like doesn't like us.

Empathy, however, is not based on dignity. It has nothing to do with your degree of personal relationship with the person in question. Empathy doesn't depend on what you have or don't have or how pity, superior or inferior you are. It is not a matter of status, despite what some in society would have you believe.

Either you are capable of empathy (or could be), and you practice and cultivate it, or you are not.

You might, for example, not be able to identify with being a member of the royal family, having wealth or fame. Maybe you have no idea what it's like to be the only brown face.

However, you can surely relate to someone, maybe people, who are taking action and even punishing you for saying no, for not following the herd, or for daring to not want what they are doing. Have you ever been treated differently because of your appearance or something you can't change? Have you been judged, ridiculed or rejected for your sanity? Has anyone (or a group of people) hated you or treated you differently despite you not having done anything "wrong"? Is there something or someone that brings out the feeling that no matter what you do, it's never enough? There might be someone who feels like they could get away with murder, but you can't put a toe in their shoes. Does someone in your life seem to get all the praise, opportunities, and free passes when you don't? Have you tried to avoid rocking the boat, only to always be the target of accusations, criticism or conflict? Has anyone or a group of people hurt you and then criticized you for calling a spade a spade and not keeping it a secret? Maybe you were abused by someone and your loved ones didn't believe you or didn't expect you to smile and put up with it.

As human beings, we all most desire to be accepted and, conversely, we fear...