Football, mental health and belonging

I like to think that everything in life is a metaphor. Things can be broken down into comparisons, and when it comes to football, we can spend lifetimes trying to find our positions on the pitch.

There's the big, powerful centre-forward. So big and imposing that you can feel their presence in a room. Off the court, they can be singers, actors, social media influencers or something else. In short, these are people who thrive in the spotlight and want more.

Then there is the reliable centre-back, always ready to fend off dangerous balls. Their no-frills style of play is based on realism. They are our doctors, lawyers and engineers. Without them, you cannot earn trophies.

You also have exciting but unreliable full-backs. They are full of energy and excitement, but can overlook important responsibilities like following up. This is the most erratic type of player you will encounter. Maybe it's the high school dropout who works at Taco Bell who's secretly a math whiz.

There are 11 to choose from, but picking one you're good at and enjoy is the tricky part. When you add mental illness to the mix, it's that much harder to find your way.

Illustration by Onkar Shirsekar

My favorite position growing up was goalie. When I was six, I saw Oliver Kahn play the starring role at the 2002 World Cup. Watching this confident blue-clad man lead an below-average German side to the final cemented my love for the beautiful game. Whatever I did in life, I wanted to do it like him: with the utmost confidence. However, as I got older, I lost the magic of those childhood memories. I stopped believing that I could do whatever I wanted.

You see, growing up as an Asian in America, you never really felt like you belonged. You're too yellow for white kids but too Americanized for people in Asia. Imagine combining all of this with ADHD, depression, OCD and social anxiety. In order to escape my troubles, I moved to South Korea when I was 19 years old. It was a bit of a relief because it was a place where everyone looked like me. Yet life was not perfect. Turns out, being thousands of miles away means nothing if things aren't right between your ears. Nevertheless, I explored this new world and its positions. I tried to serve as a creative attacking midfielder and take set pieces, but my delivery was crap. Instead of placing bullets in high danger areas, my crosses landed miles away from their targets. I also had a stint as a fullback, but that resulted in painful injuries (the scars from those lessons will always be there).

If you're tired of metaphors, I can give you a quick summary. During my eight years abroad, I worked as an English teacher, magazine writer, YouTube channel intern, voice actor and journalist. None of these ventures led to a sense of real fulfillment. I've never really been h...