How I learned to communicate with my husband

One ​​day when a conversation about getting chores done quickly turned into a fight resulting in criticism and blame, I realized something:< /p>

Although I had no problem expressing myself or my feelings about a situation, I had no idea how to communicate in a way that created a positive solution as a result. Often our fights ended in hurt feelings and awkward silences, but rarely did anything change after they happened. After many years of feeling stuck, I decided to understand how he gave and received information. I decided to look at myself rather than my husband to find the best way to handle the situations where we felt stuck.

Here are some of the things I found out about how to communicate with my husband:

Dealing with Unmet Expectations

First, I had to get rid of unmet expectations. In marriage, each of us has expectations and assumptions about how the other person will or should act. But when that person doesn't meet our standards, it's harder to have the marriage we want. I had to get rid of my unmet expectations for him. It wasn't fair that I expected him to act and behave in a way contrary to who he really was. When I was able to let go of what I wanted out of my marriage and instead focus on what I had, it made communication easier for me. As I analyzed my expectations, I realized that my expectations were rooted in an idealized version of what a husband should be like. Instead, I needed to find out who he was and communicate in a way that both of us left the conversation satisfied.

Stop the blame game

Second, I stopped blaming. Although in every situation both parties played a role in the breakdown of the marriage, I had to stop blaming it. When I can express my feelings about how I feel about a situation, rather than attacking or accusing, we both communicate more effectively. No one wants to feel responsible for every bad situation in marriage. But both parties contributed in some way to having an unhealthy marriage. When I become aware of the fact that I am partly responsible, I can solve my own problems and modify my communication to obtain the result I want.

Discover a solution

Third, I communicated the resolution so that both of us could play a role in resolving the issue. For example, if I discovered that too much money was being spent on our bank account or that we were not meeting our budget, I would communicate a solution so that we can both compromise and make the necessary changes to have a healthier financial situation. For example, I would agree to buy only what we needed if he agreed to pay attention to the amount of money withdrawn from the bank account. That way, we could both take responsibility for being part of the finances and find a solution without resulting in defamation.

Reflection on the central problem

Fourth, I wondered what the underlying problem was behind our fights. When I found out that we often argued about the lack of love and acceptance we felt for each other, we were able to work out what was really going on. For example, we might argue about one of us doing more chores than the other. But what was underneath was the resentment I felt when it seemed like one person didn't care about the other. When I understood the real issues underlying combat, I was able to discover a compromise that both sides could agree to. It helped us not to feel like we were spinning our wheels, never going anywhere in our conflict, but instead we were able to communicate in ways that communicated the need for love and acceptance of each other to the instead of a simple better distribution of household responsibilities. .

Meeting in the middle

Fifth, I accept the compromise. In every situation where we come to a communication impasse, I can think of a compromise where we can both be happy with the results. Although sometimes a situation requires one of us to sacrifice for the other, we are able to give a little. When we are able to do this, we find that we have more in common than differences. Marriage is a two-way relationship. Both parties must give of themselves for the relationship to function at its optimum capacity. There can't be one part doing something and the other blindly following. Both parties need to feel valued and appreciated in their relationship. This means that one spouse should give to the other even if they want to be selfish and focus on their personal needs or desires.

Release control

Sixth, I gave up control. I stopped trying to control things that were out of my control, and I started w...