How to deal with incompatibility in a relationship

Incompatibility interferes with most relationships at one time or another, but what is what is it really?

One of Susie's coaching clients had a great idea after one of our coaching sessions that nailed it in our opinion…

"I thought a lot yesterday about incompatibility as different realities."

She went on to talk about a major source of contention between her and her ex-boyfriend was their time together.

In his way of thinking, a couple committed to each other would spend as much time as they could together.

The definition of her boyfriend was different. He believed that a couple only spent time together when they had something to share, otherwise each would spend their time doing their own thing.

You can see the problems these different ways of being in a relationship have created!

Arguments, misunderstandings and hurt feelings, both clinging to being “right”.

After a year or more of struggling, the two agreed that they were incompatible and ended the relationship.

But were they incompatible, or were they not open to seeing each other's reality and finding a way that would work for both of them?

Of course, some people in relationships want such different things in life and have such different ways of seeing a partner's world that they're not ready to change…

They make the choice to be incompatible with that person so they can live their best life.

We get this because we were both in long-term marriages before we got together that ended because we wanted something different from what our previous spouses wanted.

But here's some of what we've seen about creating compatibility over the past 25 years of coaching and being together…

1. Whether you're starting a new relationship or have been in a relationship for many years, talk about it.

When you see that the other person has a different reality or a different way of seeing something from yours…

It is a signal for you to be curious, to listen, to understand and to see where there is a meeting point.

If our coaching client had simply asked the question how often her ex liked to be in contact when they started the relationship…

She could have figured out if his point of view was the way she wanted to be in a relationship and if he was flexible or not.

If you are in a long-term relationship and the issue is not a deal breaker…

Listen to yourself and the other to understand their thinking.

We've certainly both seen things differently since we've been together, but we've learned to listen to each other and a way we can both agree on eventually emerges.

2. Stay true to yourself but stop judging the other person

Judgment kills relationships and that's what ultimately happened in our coaching client's relationship.

When you don't feel heard or understood, resentment builds.

When you push each other to conform to one way of seeing the world, resentment builds.

Trying to understand the other person does not mean that you agree with their way of doing things...

But that means you're ready to see something new in what they're saying and find out how the two of you can find a way to meet.

Putting a label of "incompatibility" on a relationship excludes love.

When love leads the way, you can see through your separate realities and make a conscious choice about how you want to live your life and who you want to share it with.

If you have a question about incompatibility, contact us here…