How to Stop Your Marriage from Drifting

"I don't feel close to my husband," Jane told me, her husband sitting right next to her. She had shared this in response to my request to know what she and her husband wanted from their intensive marriage.

"Why?" I asked, wondering why she would say something like that, given that she and her husband, Darren had been married for over 10 years.

"He works 10 hours a day, has an hour's commute, and me and the kids get an exhausted man when he comes home."

Darren stiffened at his words.

"The first thing I do," he said defensively, "is come say hello. I don't know what more you want from me.

"I want a lot more," she said softly. “I want company. I want to know what's going on inside you. I want to feel closely connected to you. This is why we are at this Intensive.

"I'm telling you about my working day," he continued. "That's what's going on inside me. I'm telling you about the problems I have in the office. That's all I have inside."

Darren seemed to become very defensive and agitated.

“She tells me that all the time,” he said, clearly exasperated. "I just don't know what else she wants and it drives me crazy."

"Can you tell him?" she asked looking at me. "I already shared everything. He heard me ranting about his need for vulnerability. Can you tell him?"

"Maybe," I said. “But, I bet you can share more. Why not turn to him and tell him about the perfect evening? What would you like to happen and let's see if he is able to connect with you?"

"Connection," she said quickly. "That's the word. I want connection. I want vulnerability. I want to know how you feel, what you want out of life.

"Okay," I said. "Tell him what the perfect night would look like. How would he feel? What exactly would happen?"

Jane launched into complaints about how the evening generally went, with Darren arriving home, turning on the TV or checking his emails. She noted how he handled tasks that required his attention around the house.

“I would still like you to tell him about the perfect evening,” I said.

She shared the following:

“Okay. I would like you to come to the door ready to relate with me. help me put the kids to bed. Then when the kids are in bed, I would like us to sit down and talk about our lives. I would like us to dream together - where we want to go on vacation, if we want to reduce the size of our home, how much we want to be involved in the church, ways for us to develop more friends together I want you to be interested in me, to ask me about my dreams and my hopes. I want you to share those same things with me. I want us to share our feelings with each other.

"Wow," Darren said. “I don't have feelings and I don't have many dreams. I am busy solving problems at work and at home.

"Yes," Jane said. "I know. But, I want us to be vulnerable with each other. That's how I really feel close to you. I want you to be as excited and interested in me as you are in your work.

Having this conversation with me was a watershed moment for Darren and Jane and many others who find themselves emotionally drifting. While many couples spend time together, it's often filled with distraction, exhaustion, and tension. Marriage cannot thrive in such an atmosphere.

Couples often break up. This rarely happens in one instance, but rather slowly decays over time.

In a show of vulnerability, much like what is needed in marriage, the Apostle Paul said these words to the church in Corinth:

“We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians; and opened our hearts to you. We are not denying you our affections, but you are denying us yours…open your hearts just as wide. (2 Corinthians 6:11-13)

Let's discuss how this couple and others can work together on this critical vulnerable communication issue:

First, be honest with each other about your current connection. Although it may be painful, share with each other how you feel about your connection. Be honest. Discuss these topics of emotional connection, how you spend your time, whether you are having fun in your marriage, and whether you value physical intimacy. Share personally and vulnerable.

Second, share with each other what real connection looks like to you. Don't get stuck talking only about what's wrong with your marriage. Talk about what you would like to see happen. Be specific, share exactly how you would like to spend your time and what would make your marriage more exciting and connected. Take an active interest in your companion, rediscover him again. What dreams do you have? What dreams would you like to have...