I'm technically an incel but not a misogynist. Why don't women attract me? | Leading questions

I'm technically an incel, but definitely not a misogynist. I love women and they love me, but not enough to want a relationship or sleep with. On dating sites, I'm almost invariably dismissed with, "You seem like a nice, interesting guy, but sorry, I'm not attracted."

Before I put an end to it, friends came to me to complain about their partners and expected (and received) sympathy. Once a woman who had just found out about her boyfriend's infidelity told me she was going to have sex too. "Great," I say. "You can start here." Immediately I was like, "Oh no, not you, you're such a good friend." She left with another guy from our circle.

Other women tried to use me as a platonic "handbag" between real partners. I don't do that anymore either.

I'm neither beautiful nor ugly, so looks aren't the issue. A male friend told me that women see me as a woman. I do not feel it. I do manual labor, I ride a motorcycle, I've never been mistaken for gay. Sometimes I wish I was gay, but I'm not. What frustrates me the most is that I'm the caring, sharing, feminist-friendly guy that women say they want, but they walk away with attractive "bad boys" who - surprise surprise - treat them badly. I doubt there is a solution other than a personality transplant, but I'm interested in your perspective.

This question has been edited for more clarity.

Eleanor says: Let me mirror the things you have said so far. When friends tell you about problems with their partner, it sounds like a show of nerve: something that needs to be "stopped." When women lean on you between relationships (I don't know if sexually or emotionally), it seems emasculating. It makes you feminine, an accessory, a “handbag”. When a friend tells you about a betrayal, that's when you see an opportunity to have sex. You consider yourself a "caring and sharing feminist".

I hope you'll forgive me for my frankness, but I hear a tension between these things.

Truly "caring, sharing, and feminist" people are often the least likely to emphasize who they are. Think about the nicest people you know - are they the ones who would say "I'm a nice person" or are they the ones who show up when you need them, seemingly without noticing (to themselves or others) that does that mean they're nice? The same goes for being kind to women. People who are really like that are often the least likely to describe themselves as that.

Part of the explanation for this phenomenon could be really helpful for you. I think it has to do with how the categories of "woman" or "potential sexual partner" are dominant in our way of seeing the world.

Someone one who quietly does the right things on the gender front — not making gender-based inferences, finding nothing funny in sexist jokes — isn't primarily guided by observations about women and what They like. Often they are driven by something much more subconscious and automatic: this stuff just seems gross. It's not that they had any good answers about women or how to attract them. It's that these issues have receded.

The problem is, when these issues don't recede - when a lot of how you see others is as instantiations of a gender, or as candidate sexual partners - people can feel that. And many people don't want to be seen primarily in those terms, because to them, those are just small parts of who they are.

Much of the feeling of attraction for someone is to feel that they see you. Likewise, it is very difficult to feel attracted to someone if you feel that they are looking behind you. You can imagine this from your own point of view: if someone thought that one of the most defining things about you was your hair color and drew all sorts of expectations, even flattering ones, you might hard to want a third date. .

Similarly, when it feels like the main things someone sees about you is your gender and whether you'll sleep with them, it's hard to tell. feel like he sees you. When you offer your friends a crisis situation or block a discussion on relationship problems that you would not mind hearing from a man, your interlocutor will inevitably feel that his gender plays a role. important role in...