Maybe we don't need to assume our relationship has lost its spark

After being with our partner for a long time or getting caught up in the daily grind, it's not uncommon to feel like the relationship is a little tired. Feeling pulled in a million different directions by competing demands, along with aging, changing bodies and personal concerns, which we may not be expressing as we once would, can create a divide that can turn into a chasm. The relationship that once energized us seems to have lost its spark and we are wondering how to rekindle it.

Our relationships require an ongoing investment of time, energy, effort, and emotions (attention and bandwidth) in order to thrive and thrive. We enter the great unknown when we embark on a new relationship; there is a lot to get to know. Over time and as we gain more shared experience and intimacy, we don't have to invest as heavily as in the beginning. We settle into a rhythm as the relationship progresses, moving into new phases, and the hope is that we don't lose sight of each other along the way.

But sometimes we miss a beat and lose the rhythm of the relationship. It's not what we planned, but somewhere along the way we got complacent. We become so comfortable and secure in our relationship that we inadvertently take it for granted because we know they will be there. We then shift our bandwidth to work or become consumed with the kids or with the friends and family dramas. Or we could withdraw into our own inner turmoil. Without realizing it, the relationship ends up feeling like the victim of pursuing a life together.

A relationship chasm that so many people fall into is assuming we know “everything” about our partner, including thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants.

We stop being curious. These are easy mistakes to make; we are human, after all. That, and the media has done a really good job of selling us this notion of soulmate, fairy tale relationships where our Perfect Match™ is someone who thinks, feels and acts "like us" or someone to whom we can find out everything there is to know about them in the first months of the relationship and that how and who they are will remain static.

It is essential to keep in mind our assumptions about our relationships and why we make them. Are our assumptions true, or are we avoiding a conversation with our partner or avoiding seeing something we don't want?

We all want to be seen and heard.

Assumptions signal opportunities to reconnect and be more intimate by being vulnerable enough to engage with our partner in these areas.

When it comes to keeping the spark in our relationship going, our minds tend to turn to sex or date nights. If we don't have sex every day like in the beginning, if we don't flirt or spend quality time together, we often wonder if it's fatal (it's not). Making an effort to express our attraction is important, after all, it's what separates a romantic relationship from a friendship, but we also experience it when we do things that connect us to that feeling of joy in the relationship.

For example, if my husband and I aren't laughing, joking, or belly laughing every day, it indicates that we're probably too busy with other things. Sure, a sexy moment or going out alone is great for reconnecting, but some of my spark moments are when we're about to fall asleep and we're screaming with laughter telling stories about what happened. earlier in the day or putting the world in order. .

So how do we reconnect or maintain the spark in our relationship?

Spending time with our partner instead of being nearby; ask how they are doing and take a genuine interest in it; show interest in what they're doing even if it's not our thing; these are some of the ways we show love. Kiss and show affection just because; take the time for a deep conversation...