My employee didn't want the flexibility I offered her

Inc.com columnist Alison Green answers questions about workplace and management issues: from how to deal with a micromanaging boss how to talk to someone on your team about body odor.

A reader asks:

One of the people on my team announced that she was pregnant. I was delighted for her and wanted to be a supportive manager. Our company is too small to be eligible for FMLA, but we have our own program that allows 12 weeks of paid medical leave. I went above and beyond that and gave her an extra eight weeks of paid vacation on top of that, plus as much vacation time as she wanted to use. We are too small for this to be required by law, but I was able to convert one of our old spaces into a pump room with a lockable door, chair, sink and outlet, and we told him that we would pay her for her pumping breaks. I also set up a flexible schedule for his return to work. I looked up our insurance and found out it might cover a pump and emailed him information about it.

I was surprised that she chose to return to work after eight weeks and not take the full sick leave or overtime I had scheduled for her. She didn't use the pump room because she wasn't breastfeeding at all and she wasn't using the flexible schedule I offered her. She was working her normal hours. I'm disappointed I put all this together for her, only for her to use none of it.

I repeatedly reminded her of the flexible schedule and let her know that breastfeeding and expressing were still possible. She says her husband works for himself and she always planned to be home soon while he had the baby part-time and the baby was in daycare part-time. She said she never planned to breastfeed and formula was fine, and she told me she didn't feel bad for choosing to work when she could afford to stay home and not breastfeed even if she could have.

I don't understand why she wouldn't want the perks I worked so hard to put in place. I'm disappointed with her and I'm having trouble getting over it. I had to quit my job when I was pregnant because there was no support for working mothers. I find it hard to understand why she wouldn't want the benefits I would have killed for back then. She went back to work like she hadn't even left. I confess that I am lost.

Green responds:

Because people are different. Some people would have been delighted with all the arrangements you made, and others would have liked the idea but wouldn't have wanted to use them. That's okay: everyone can make their own choices.

You got it wrong in two places here. The first was to arrange all this for her without knowing if she wanted to. Maybe you didn't check with her first because you didn't want to give her hope if you couldn't make it happen, or maybe you just assumed she would. But any time you arrange for someone without their consent - even if you think it's highly likely that they'll be thrilled when they find out - you have to be okay with the possibility of them having other plans and preferences.

The second place you messed up is much more serious: you seemed to interfere in her personal and private decisions about her baby. Whether she breastfeeds or not is 100% none of your business. And pressuring her to stay home longer than she wants — and showing her disappointment at not wanting to stay home longer — comes under very delicate scrutiny of other women's personal decisions. It sounds like you made her feel judged and pressured about her very personal and private choices - and it's inappropriate for anyone to do that, but triple when you're the boss.

There are a ton of reasons why she may not have wanted the perks you arranged, and none of them are your business. You may be personally disappointed to have gone to...