My almost nine year old son wants to sleep in my bed. Should I leave it? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

My son, who is almost nine years old, insists, at least once or twice a week, on sleeping with me in my bed as his special time. We used to do it on occasion, but now he's asking for more.

I don't know if it's a phase, but it's been going on for about six months. I also have a daughter, who is six years old, but who does not ask for it. I know that as an older child he misses the time we spent together before he was born.

When he was a baby I was quite overwhelmed and I had little help from family, who lived abroad, and a very lax husband. I'm afraid it'll come back now that I didn't give him enough of me. Can I compensate and retrospectively restore some of this unmet need? Or did I miss something and actually it's not necessary because something else is going on. I know he does it more when you scold him, so that's his way of relating to me.

I hate to say no because it's like rejection because he just asks for time just for the two of us. My husband then gets upset and in the meantime my daughter hasn't quite fallen out and I'm afraid she's upset that we've spent so much time without her. What do you think?

You seem very sensitive and caring, but it also seems like you're trying to make a lot of people happy, which is a shortcut to exhaustion. I also felt a strong undercurrent of guilt run through your letter; guilt is the enemy of confident parenting. Guilt is also the burden that mothers often carry when others around them have not done their part.

It is only natural for children to want sleep with a relative if they are worried about something. We attend to our children's needs during the day, so why not at night when the world seems scarier. I'm always amazed that some people let their pets sleep with them, but not their children. I have always allowed my children to sleep with me when they needed it. But that doesn't work for everyone and I also say no if I feel my need is greater than theirs on occasion.

I come back to the word confident . If your child feels that you are unsure of yourself, he may feel that you need to be comforted and reassured, rather than the other way around (I remember a situation where a boy wanted to sleep with his mother after a burglary but when questioned the boy who actually felt that his mother needed protection rather than the other way around). As parents, we need to be the backbone of our children: we need to be strong when they can't be, not the other way around. Make sure your son isn't being used to heal something inside you. It's not his job.

I went to Deirdre Ingham, a licensed psychotherapist for ACP children and adolescents. She thought your letter was thoughtful and suggested that it is helpful, when faced with these dilemmas, to think about our own, perhaps unconscious, role in contributing to the situation. Maybe in this case, your son will sense your desire to fix the past by letting him into your bed. Ingham understood that your husband was/is lax. It must have been hard for you. "Perhaps there is an opportunity here to join your husband in forming a united front in this situation?" We also wondered if maybe a halfway house would be for your son to have a little bed in you and your husband's room for a while? Ingham also suggested that you check that nothing else is going on with him, maybe with the school?

I would also like you to invest a little in what makes you feel good outside of being a mother. What could it be?

There is nothing wrong with letting your child sleep with you (in some cultures the family all sleeps together in the same room), but it is also unnecessary for you to become stressed because you feel that you are doing something that you "should" be doing. You are in charge here, and as someone once told me: a mother who is always available never really is. I believe that an effective mother must also take care of herself; martyrs don't make good moms (I'm not saying you're a martyr!).

skip newsletter promotion

after newsletter promotion