My Partner Won't Wear Sunscreen Despite My Pleas - I'm Afraid He Has Cancer | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I'm in a long term relationship with a wonderful man but it bothers me that when he sunbathes he never uses sunscreen except on his face.< /p>

I'm terrified that he will get skin cancer, especially since it's something his parents went through, and also because I was widowed at 34 when my first husband died of cancer. We both have children from our previous relationships.

The prospect of loving and then losing someone else to cancer is very scary and busy. many my thoughts. Watching my late husband have cancer and die within two months was the most horrifying experience of my life, and having another shot at long-term happiness just makes me want to hold on to it even more.

I often mentioned my fears to my partner, but I don't think he takes it seriously or knows how much it bothers me. Ironically, he always makes sure the kids are protected and reminds me to put on sunscreen. Since he tans easily, I think he thinks he's invincible.

Am I just selfish? Maybe I should let him make his own decisions, even if it may hurt the outcome? I don't know what else to do.

I'm so sorry to hear that your husband passed away, it must have been incredibly traumatic. It all happened so fast, I wonder if you had a chance to process your grief, then or since? Grief is a massive emotion that we cannot avoid, and left untreated it can manifest as other emotions, such as extreme anxiety. If your children were very young, you probably just "stepped up" to be there for them.

I went to see Louise Tyler, a BACP credentialed counselor, who says :

“At first glance, this may look like a sunscreen problem, but it is not. This is how couples get stuck arguing about the same thing, because it looks like it's sunscreen or doing the dishes, but really it's " Do you know me ?" Am I important and does what I want matter? But in this case, it's also about trauma, loss, and the risk of 'living again'."

Tyler says couples tend to have two types of problems: "solvable" problems, such as who does the housework, where the conflict is simply about this subject; and "perpetual" problems, centered on fundamental differences. solvable, it would be 'You have to wear sunscreen, can we find a compromise?' But it seems more like a matter of different needs."

With perpetual problems, Tyler says: "Couples come back to the problem again and again, but in a different form , if they do not address the underlying issues. Here, the question might be: can you risk trusting life again? can your partner take responsibility for making you feel safe?"

We don't know your partner's needs; they might "not want to tell him what to do. They may also not fully understand your needs and see it as 'just' a matter of sunscreen. So the first thing to do is sit down with him and really explain to him what this means to you ("I'm really afraid of losing you" instead of "put on some sunscreen"), then listen to it. This gives him the ability to fix it.

However, we still believe it is important to address your past trauma. Therapy/CBT would be ideal for you, or perhaps bereavement counseling (cruse.org.uk).

Even if using sunscreen is important, it can act as a useful foil for somewhat more vulnerable emotions below.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a personal matter, please send your concern to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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