My wife and I haven't had sex in 15 years. I haven't even seen her naked. Is it time for us to break up?

I've been married for over 30 years, but my wife announced a long time ago that she didn't want sex and we haven't had sex in 15 years . Even before, sexual intercourse was infrequent. I believe my wife has a deep rooted hatred of her body - I've never seen her anything less than fully clothed in all these 15 years; she showers behind closed doors and sleeps separately (because of my snoring). I had an affair 25 years ago and it was wonderful to feel loved and coveted, but for the sake of the children, that stopped - I continued my career and supported my family. Now I'm in my 60s and desperate. I just want to feel loved and have a tactile relationship. I know it sounds pathetic, but I feel damaged by it all - because I'm so desperately alone and angry. I get angry when my wife tells people about our marriage because it's a sham. I don't want to break up the family, but I don't know what else to do.

I'm so sorry that you feel so much pain, despair and longing. Many people in your situation simply compartmentalize their lives and have affairs and outside relationships – and it would be understandable for you to consider this, despite the risks. Monogamy is not easy for anyone. If you think it would be possible to safely strike up a sweet conversation with your wife in which you could share your feelings in a non-blaming way, then give it a try. You deserve to be heard - and so does she. Maybe you will find a way to some mutual understanding (which could be more surely achieved with the help of a good counselor). The resentment you harbor affects you as much as your loneliness and frustration – and it would be helpful to have some help in getting rid of it. Make it your mission to find the support and understanding you need.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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