My wife and I haven't had sex in five years. Should we be satisfied with an occasional little kiss on the lips?

I am a married man with three children and have been with my wife for almost 18 years. At the start of our relationship, we had a healthy and fulfilling sex life - I wouldn't claim it was Kama Sutra level, but we had fun. However, since we have children, our intimacy has practically stopped. We last had sex five years ago and these days all we do is have a kiss on the lips once in a while. I don't know where to start trying to fix the relationship or if I should even try. Is it possible to live together without this element of the relationship? Lately, it's clear that we're frustrated and picking on very small things. I'm afraid opening up the conversation will lead to a greater challenge. The last thing I want is for us to break up.

You're insightful and know what you're doing and what you don't want, but things don't work out. won't improve without a touch of bravery. Maybe you're afraid that one or both of you will get angry and issue an ultimatum. Try to approach the conversation gently, avoiding any tendency to judge or blame. People rarely take offense when a partner expresses their true feelings (different from thoughts or judgment) and clearly asks for a specific change. Go step by step. For example, you might first say, "I love you very much and really appreciate our marriage, but I'm feeling sad and longing for a precious aspect of our relationship that somehow got lost. . Would you be okay with at least discussing it? Please help me understand. Then listen carefully to what she has to say. This issue won't be resolved quickly, but if the two of you can share your feelings, it will help you better understand and resolve it.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist specializing in in the treatment of sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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