How Married Couples Deal with Sexless Relationships
Amanda Montei, a staff writer for The New York Times Magazine, spoke with more than 30 married people for whom sex is not essential.< /p>< p class="css-798hid etfikam0">Times Insider explains who we are and what we do and provides a behind-the-scenes look at how our journalism is done.
When Amanda Montei started publishing an article last year about married couples who had little or no sex, she didn't know how open people would be about their sex lives.
But to his surprise, many couples were willing – even grateful – to talk about it.
« "It was almost like a pressure valve had been released," Ms. Montei spoke of her conversations with more than 30 married people who are among the 50 percent of American adults who have sex once a month or less. . "Most couples I spoke with said that talking to me was a relief because they were able to talk openly about their sex lives without judgment."
L The article, which was published this month in the Modern Love issue of the New York Times Magazine, is based on telephone and video conversations with couples in seven states, as well as Canada, Britain and Italy, and it took Ms. Montei five months to report on it.
“The main thing I take away is that there are many factors that influence a person’s desire,” she said. "It's a really complicated negotiation with yourself, with the body and with our current cultural moment."
During a telephone conversation from his home in San Francisco Bay Area, Montei explained how she helped her sources feel comfortable sharing intimate details of their private lives and what questions she hopes to address next in her reporting. These are edited excerpts.
How did you come up with the idea for this article?
I published a book last fall about motherhood and sexuality and received many notes from readers who connected with it and saw themselves represented in it, and who discovered that motherhood had an impact on how they viewed their body, their sex life and their relationships. Writing and publishing the book made me more curious about women's sex lives, particularly how desires can change with age and parenthood; what marriage has tended to demand of women; and how people in long-term heterosexual relationships navigate these changes today.
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Amanda Montei, a staff writer for The New York Times Magazine, spoke with more than 30 married people for whom sex is not essential.< /p>< p class="css-798hid etfikam0">Times Insider explains who we are and what we do and provides a behind-the-scenes look at how our journalism is done.
When Amanda Montei started publishing an article last year about married couples who had little or no sex, she didn't know how open people would be about their sex lives.
But to his surprise, many couples were willing – even grateful – to talk about it.
« "It was almost like a pressure valve had been released," Ms. Montei spoke of her conversations with more than 30 married people who are among the 50 percent of American adults who have sex once a month or less. . "Most couples I spoke with said that talking to me was a relief because they were able to talk openly about their sex lives without judgment."
L The article, which was published this month in the Modern Love issue of the New York Times Magazine, is based on telephone and video conversations with couples in seven states, as well as Canada, Britain and Italy, and it took Ms. Montei five months to report on it.
“The main thing I take away is that there are many factors that influence a person’s desire,” she said. "It's a really complicated negotiation with yourself, with the body and with our current cultural moment."
During a telephone conversation from his home in San Francisco Bay Area, Montei explained how she helped her sources feel comfortable sharing intimate details of their private lives and what questions she hopes to address next in her reporting. These are edited excerpts.
How did you come up with the idea for this article?
I published a book last fall about motherhood and sexuality and received many notes from readers who connected with it and saw themselves represented in it, and who discovered that motherhood had an impact on how they viewed their body, their sex life and their relationships. Writing and publishing the book made me more curious about women's sex lives, particularly how desires can change with age and parenthood; what marriage has tended to demand of women; and how people in long-term heterosexual relationships navigate these changes today.
We are having difficulty retrieving article content.
Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings.
Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode, please exit and log in to your Times account, or subscribe to the entire Times.
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