'I have to control the flashbacks': Anoosheh Ashoori on life after being released from an Iranian prison

"I found out that you can leave Evin prison, but Evin prison does not leave you quite", says Anoosheh Ashoori, dual Iranian-British 68-year-old released in March with her better-known counterpart, Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe.

A gentle, outgoing, but determined man, he insists he is not is not angry about his five years in an Iranian prison on ridiculous grounds accused of spying for Israel. “I can reason with myself that anger doesn't solve my problems. Instead… I have to look to the future. Something good has to come out of this or else I'll be the loser and they'll beat me."

But Ashoori discovered the joy of freedom, returning his wife, Sherry, their two adult children and a mountain of barking dogs at her south London home.

Finding a boundary between losing, honoring and being overwhelmed by the horror of The Evin experience was difficult. Ashoori admits to having debilitating panic or anxiety attacks, as flashbacks involuntarily overwhelm him. "If I take a shower, for example, I could suddenly find myself in the cabins of Evin prison shower I have to control myself and not get carried away.”

Panic attacks escalated after he focused on the London Marathon race He stumbled to take part in the race: in prison, he got caught up in running, telling his fellow inmates that he would run the marathon for them once released. "On paper, I wasn't supposed to be released until I was 74," he says. "And then I was given three more years for spreading false propaganda - smuggling messages out of prison. I told them I would do it even if I was 80."

< p class="dcr-1b64dqh">This aspiration was mentioned in a Guardian article published on its release, and the marathon organizers contacted him to waive the entry rules for him. Before he knew it, Amnesty International had found him a pro bono personal trainer and his son Aryan started accompanying him on runs around local parks. "That day I was wearing an Evin prison uniform and carrying a 'women, life, freedom' poster," Ashoori recalled. "People were shouting my name and 'You are a hero, run', and I had that promise in my mind to my friends at Evin Prison. It was so exciting." He completed the marathon in five and a half hours and raised £20,000 for Amnesty International and £6,000 for Hostage International.

Ashoori has other plans to complete, including a mini marathon. He would like to write a book and plans to mount an exhibition on Evin, a place described as "the valley of hell". He would like to reproduce the room where prisoners were interrogated. A video of prisoners being beaten inside the prison is also planned. If it sounds grim, it's because Evin is grim, and Ashoori thinks people shouldn't look the other way.

Everyday isn't good, he said. His family is more united than ever and he realizes how much his children have put their lives on hold to free him. But the panic attacks dogged him during a long-planned vacation. He suffers from fatigue and apathy, and it is impossible not to think of Iran with the demonstrations sweeping the country, and the fire in Evin prison itself, in October. “I felt it myself with my flesh and my soul, so I know what those who are questioned are suffering. I also know about the invisible shrapnel that hits family members. Their wives, their daughters, their sons go through hell. They try to break up families. I hit a low point when I told Sherry to forget about me and start a new life. She told me never to say that again. And I didn't."