I married young and am consumed with regret for all the sexual experiences I will ever have.

I've been a married man for over 20 years with a wonderful home and life that I wouldn't change for the world. I met and married quite young and - although I enjoyed various sexual encounters before settling down - I always had a nagging feeling that I missed out on some experiences. Some are quite ambitious, like a trio; others are more mundane, like a one-night stand. I enjoy my sex life, but sometimes I get overwhelmed with the idea that I never "finished the album", so to speak. I start to resent people who have had more experiences, like it's a competition, even when I know that other aspects of my life turned out to be much better than theirs. Although I'm happy and would never dream of venturing outside of my marriage to fulfill a probably overdone wish list, how do I get rid of this overwhelming feeling that I've missed out and there's have a void that I can never fill?

Try to see these thoughts as fantasies - wonderful expressions of healthy eroticism that can keep you sexually alive - and even enhance your sex drive. be intimate with your wife. Please don't think you should fantasize about other people while having sex with your wife…it's better to be really present with her. I mean fantasies have a purpose - either to facilitate arousal, masturbation, or a general feeling of private pleasure and sexual drive. Unfortunately, you have associated these feelings with regret and a sense of longing, and you are not the only one to do so. Studies have shown that most people think and fantasize about having sex with someone other than their spouse. Luckily, you seem too smart to give in to peer pressure or risk losing the life you have for what is really only a fleeting notion.

Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a psychotherapist based in the United States, specializing in the treatment of sexual disorders.

If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns at private.lives@theguardian.com (please do not send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses a problem to answer, which will be posted online. She regrets not being able to maintain personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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